I Don't Pray for Healing Anymore

I've given up on praying for my physical healing. I've been sick for 31 months, almost to the day. That's a really long time to feel bad. For quite some time at the beginning, I didn't believe I deserved healing so why bother praying for it? I didn't pray for myself. Then I realized God wasn't mad at me or throwing a temper tantrum, so I started praying to be healed. No such luck. So I got angry and quit praying for healing again. Then I put on my big girl panties and realized that God can and will operate in His timing. So I started praying again. And now I have stopped praying for physical healing for myself yet again.

Now before you think I've completely lost my ever-loving mind yet again, let me explain. I think I actually have a solid reason this time!

Make no mistake- I would love to be healed from these three monsters. I would gladly accept a backwards bogo deal and only keep one. Heck, just get rid of one and we'll be golden! But that's kinda actually the problem.

The first time I stopped praying for myself and physical healing, it was because I didn't believe that God was willing to heal me. Well guess what! I was wrong...

Christ clearly has compassion on His people in Scripture and does a great deal of healing in His earthly ministry.

Matthew 9:35-10:8

And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction.  When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few;  therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every affliction. The names of the twelve apostles are these: first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus; Simon the Cananaean, and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him. These twelve Jesus sent out, instructing them, "Go nowhere among the Gentiles and enter no town of the Samaritans,  but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And proclaim as you go, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is at hand.'  Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying; give without pay. 

 Christ had compassion on the suffering He saw and His earthly ministry included healing to show the people of a deeper healing He came to accomplish. He has compassion on His children now, as well. He is willing.

The second time I stopped praying for myself and physical healing, it was partially because I didn't believe that God maybe couldn't heal me. Spoiler alert- I was wrong again.

Christ is more than able to heal me. He healed here on earth without even seeing or touching the ill person. He is able.

Matthew 8: 5-13

When he entered Capernaum, a centurion came forward to him, appealing to him,  "Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, suffering terribly."  And he said to him, "I will come and heal him." But the centurion replied, "Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant will be healed.  For I too am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. And I say to one, 'Go,' and he goes, and to another, 'Come,' and he comes, and to my servant,'Do this,' and he does it."  When Jesus heard this, he marveled and said to those who followed him, "Truly, I tell you, with no one in Israel have I found such faith.  I tell you, many will come from east and west and recline at table with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven,  while the sons of the kingdom will be thrown into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." And to the centurion Jesus said, "Go; let it be done for you as you have believed." And the servant was healed at that very moment.  

So if He is willing, and if He is able, then why in the world did I stop praying for physical healing yet again? Simple- healing shouldn't be my goal. Physical healing this side of eternity would be nice, but it's not my goal anymore. My goal is not to be happy and get through life in comfort. 

Romans 8

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.  For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,  in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.  For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.  Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.  But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness.  If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh.  For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.  For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope  that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.  Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

I want to focus on Christ for His goodness, not my wish list. My goal is to become closer to my Savior, not my comfort. If He chooses to grant me physical healing, so be it. If He chooses not to, so be it. Christ has taught me so much through this journey that I would not have learned the same way had I been healthy. I choose Christ over comfort. I choose to focus on His eternal goodness instead of my temporary illness. 

I don't believe that praying for physical healing is wrong. It's actually good! But when I place my desire to be healthy over my desire to grow in my relationship with Christ, it becomes idolatry. And it had to go. 

 

What Doesn't Kill You

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

Right... Sure, ok...

Last time I checked what doesn't kill you simply leaves you for dead. It makes sense right? This awful terrible thing that brought you to the edge of your patience, your tolerance, your ability- suddenly it turns and brings you to the opposite side of the spectrum giving you a strength you've never seen, let alone experienced, before. Because that happens. 

No no, that terrible thing that stopped just shy of pushing you off the cliff and into destruction? It left you there, right on the edge of the cliff, waiting for you to wake up and groan in pain as you try to move. It's waiting for you to roll yourself off that cliff. Sounds much more in character of something that would bring you to the brink of death anyway.

So what's a gal to do? If I move, surely I'll bring on my own destruction in a desparate attempt to save myself. It looks like my only option is to give up- to lie there on the edge of that cliff but put on my brave face for the rest of the world as I repeat "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" like a broken record.

But Praise the Lord! I have a Savior who picks me up from His own strength and shows me the beauty of what could have easily been my own destruction had He not rescued me and lent me His own strengths.

2 Corinthians 12:5-10

5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. 6 Though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Many people have told me over the past two and half years of my illness that they admire my strength. Many people have told me I'm one of the strongest people they know. Some people have even walked on eggshells around me so as to not give me anything else to deal with.

And I appreciate it all, I truly do. But I'm not any stronger than you, and I have no more in my life to deal with than you. Everyone faces battles everyday, whether they be private or public. Everyone makes life-altering choices everyday, whether they be private or public.

But my illness has not made me stronger. Not in the least, sweetheart. And I'm really tired of giving credit to the illness that drags me to the edge of the cliff instead of to the Savior who rescues me!

Vasovagal syncope has not made me stronger.
Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome has not made me stronger.
Psychogenic NonEpileptic Seizures have not made me stronger.

Christ has made me stronger by lending me His own strength.

But I should have done this...

But I should have done this...

I wish I had just...

If only that hadn't happened...

I don't know about you, but I can fill in all of the above. I'm guessing most of you can too. Hindsight is 20/20 after all, or so "they" say. Whoever "they" are.

But I should have reacted differently.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school.  

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted. 

As I'm sure you can tell, most of my regrets surround my time in high school. I have struggled and struggled with coming to terms with it. Especially since my diagnosis this summer, I have struggled with this anew. I have blamed my high school, I have blamed myself, I have blamed the whole town, I have blamed those who were rightfully at fault, I have blamed those who have the slightest association. I have sought a place to rest the blame in hopes that it will change something. 

Funny thing- the only thing I see changing is me and my attitude. Let me just go ahead and say that this has certainly not been an overnight change, and it is one of the most difficult things I have journey though. Any reminder of my past sends me straight into a panic attack. If I were to be honest, this is the way I generally fill in those blanks:

But I should have reacted differently, and then maybe they would have left me alone. 

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that I wouldn't have a painful past. 

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then they wouldn't have been able to really get to me. 

Isn't it interesting that if I were able to go back and fix it, that I think I would do it so perfectly? I would make the right decisions, perfectly miss all pain, and still end up exactly where I am now (minus the panic attacks, of course). What if the truth would look much more like this:

But I should have reacted differently, and then it would have been much worse.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that maybe I saw no reason to need God.

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then I would have been too hardened to care about people.

Well those don't sound quite as appealing as my version! But who am I to think that I know better? Who's to say my version of my life without that experience would have actually been better? My regrets seem kinda prideful now. 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

See? I don't know what I'm talking about! Even what I see as my worst moments may actually have been for my protection! Let's just say for a moment that I transferred to a different school. Suppose I was super popular and was prom queen. (I know, just humor me, okay?) Let's say I made it through high school the epitome of the put-together girl, and I graduated without shedding a tear. Okay, great! Right? Oh did I forget to mention that maybe I have it all together so much so that "who needs God? Who has the time? Excuse me, I'm doing just fine."? Um, maybe not so great.*

I'm learning that God really meant it when He said He knows more than me. And I'm learning to be oh so grateful. 

*I am not implying in any way that someone who did not struggle through high school automatically has the opinion of not needing God. It was merely an illustration based on my life and my regrets. 

Too Blessed to Be Stressed?

"I'm just too blessed to be stressed!"

I don't know about you, but I hear this all the time. Maybe people are trying to tell me I'm too high- strung, I don't know. But I've been thinking about this phrase a lot this week because I've been particularly stressed.

I am a very blessed individual. I really am. I have a loving family, sweet friends, a great job with a great boss. My teachers are understanding of my illness. I'm in school learning to do what I love. I'm doing just fine.

But I'm also a very stressed individual. I have academic stress because learning to be an interpreter is a lot (seriously, I'm convinced some of you interpreters out there are part superhero). I have emotional stress because things don't always go my way. I get disappointed. I have psychological stress because I have wounds that run deep.

I'm sure you all can relate. Paul could. Paul prays three times for his "thorn in the flesh" (whatever it really was) to be removed. THREE times. Not once, as if it didn't really matter. Not twice, as if it was just a nuisance. Three times, because it truly bothered him.

Somehow those blessings I listed above don't make me any less stressed. Of course, the people in my life are great. I have plenty of shoulders to cry on when needed. I have people who will literally hunt me down because they know that I shouldn't be alone even though it's what I wanted.

Blessings in life don't automatically negate the stressors in life, unfortunately.

But my Jesus can. He comes to me in my times of stress and puts His arms around me. He lets me know that it's all okay in His hands. He tells me that He has enough strength for my to-do list. He has the peace to calm my heart. He has the power it takes to forgive.

When Paul prayed, he was not relieved of the thorn in his flesh. He was given peace to accept it and God's strength to hold on.

I love love LOVE God's response to Paul's prayers, and Paul's response to it:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

This life is going to bring heartache and pain. God is going to provide strength to do what is necessary. The blessing that has the power to make me less stressed? That would be my Jesus, and my Jesus alone.

Thanks, Sound of the South

I've been extremely attached to Troy's band so far this semester. I LOVE that I live right across from the band field. If you ever can't find me, check the hill by the band field. I sit there and watch the band and cry. Today I was sitting there full-blown ugly crying. Thank goodness for sunglasses!

Don't get me wrong, I have always loved the Sound of the South and have been immensely proud to have them at Troy. But somehow this year is more like my freshman year. The last two years, I guess I took having the band around for granted. 

I haven't been very secret about my struggles and my past with this blog. High school was terrible, and I even hated my hometown because of it. I was beyond thrilled to move to Troy my freshman year and "get away" from my past. The band was a constant reminder that I was no longer in high school (my high school didn't have a band). Sophomore and junior years I still loved the band, but I was doing better and didn't need them quite the same way. 

Earlier this summer when I was diagnosed with PNES (which is caused by something like PTSD from my high school experience) I felt like I was right back where I didn't want to be. The panic attacks started again. The nightmares started again. The incessant crying started again. The hopelessness started again. The only difference is that this time I wasn't quite ready to leave my parents to move to Troy. I wanted the safety my parents offered. My friends in Troy are great, but my parents know what I went through better than anyone. My mom slept on the floor next to my bed for an entire semester in high school because I was doing so badly. 

I didn't want to leave them. I didn't want to move back to Troy and start work and classes and my big-girl life. I cried on move-in day. The next day was the first time I heard the band this year. And yes, I cried. It reminded me that I'm not in high school. That part of my life is O.V.E.R! 

So thank you, Sound of the South, for making me glad to be back in Troy and reminding me that there is life after crap. (I'll still probably continue to ugly cry for you.)

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Days like today I want to give up.

Unfortunately giving up on being sick- not really an option. It feels like I'm drowning in an ever-growing list of symptoms, the most recent being back spasms. My first one was 2 weeks ago and it came out of the clear blue sky. I figured I pulled a muscle since I'm not exactly the epitome of grace in action. It started when I woke up and was mainly just soreness by late afternoon. No harm, no foul, right? Today's caught me completely off guard and it came out with guns blazing. In fact, I'm writing this now because I'm still awake with pain. Back spasms coupled with the inability to take a deep breath has made for an exhausting day, mentally and physically.

Overall, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sick of cancelled plans and I'm tired of the toll being sick takes. I'm sick of looking healthy while feeling like I'd just rather hug the floor, and I'm tired of feeling that "Get Well" cards are empty promises. I'm so sick and tired of living sick and tired.

But I do live sick and tired. What other choice do I have? Sit at home and wallow in self-pity? Not a chance. As soon as my back allows me the luxury of movement (and of, it IS a luxury) once more I will be out living my life. It's the only life I have to live (did I just use yolo?) and I can't trade it in for a more "convenient" one. I probably couldn't handle the new life anyway since I was created for this one. Being sick and tired has made me who I am. Being sick and tired has made me depend on the great I Am. I'm an independent personality with an "I'll do it myself" attitude. Without being stopped in my tracks by something outside my control, would I make time for Him? I shudder to think. Days like today remind me how helpless I am on my own. I would rather do life my way without being sick and tired, but I think it's pretty safe to say it's better that I can't.

I'm not happy...

I'm not happy. Not all the time at least. I've probably never been happy for any period much longer than a day, if that much. I cry more than any human should. 

I don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes life sucks. Bad things happen all the time.

We get sick.

We lose loved ones.

We lose jobs.

We're just way too stressed.

We mess up plans.

We don't measure up.

We're just plain sad. 

Who can be happy in that?

No one, if they're really being honest. It's a good thing God gives us joy to sustain us when happiness wanes. God gives us joy to carry on when there is no way to be happy. Happiness is too dependent on circumstances for us to be dependent on it.

When those bad things happen, people are tempted to get angry at God, to ask where He is. I know I am. But "in times like these, we find out whether we have based our faith on who God is or on what He does" (A Heart Like His by Beth Moore).

A faith built on the works of God that we view as good will bring temporary happiness. It is a faith built on human understanding and perspectives. It's volatile and fleeting.

A faith built on the faithful and good character of God will bring enduring joy. We don't have to understand what He does to know that it's good, to trust Him because He is who He says He is.

Isaiah 55:6-13 (ESV)

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call upon him while he is near;

let the wicked forsake his way,

and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,

and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

“For you shall go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

shall break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;

instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;

and it shall make a name for the Lord,

an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Psalm 4 (ESV)

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame?
How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? 

 But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself;
the Lord hears when I call to him.
Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. 

 Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the Lord.
There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

 

God is good; God is faithful. God gives us joy to sustain us because He knows us well enough to know that we won't always understand. And we won't always be happy. But we will be joyful if we put our faith in Him and not His works that we deem "good."

The "C" Word and the Gospel

Just to clarify, the "C" word I'm referring to is CRAZY! In case you couldn't tell from my last post, as soon as I got my new diagnosis, I thought of myself as crazy. I assumed that everyone around me would see me as crazy as well. However, my friends have encouraged me to take "crazy" out of my vocabulary, so from here on out, I'll just use "C."

Having this diagnosis of Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) has been a very difficult pill to swallow. I've cried a lot since the diagnosis, and I've wrestled with a lot of emotions and questions. I viewed myself as "C" and so I started questioning everything.

Does this mean I don't really love Jesus like I thought I did?
Does this mean my faith isn't real?
Does this make me a bad Christian?
Does this hurt my testimony?
Does this mean Christ isn't really sovereign in my life?
Does this mean I'm a failure?

I'm learning the answer is NO! (still learning...) Having PNES does NOT mean any of those things. It's difficult to deal with, but it is not as damaging as I first thought. It just brings back a lot of unpleasant memories and really messes with my mind.

I'm reading A Heart Like His by Beth Moore. It is about the life of David. In case you are unfamiliar with the story, David was a hunted man. Saul wanted to take his life because of jealousy and fear. My pastor at my home church has been leading us through the life of Joseph. Joseph was also a hunted man. No matter how awful my high school experience was, there were never any threats on my life (that I'm aware of. I guess you never really know). Anyway, the point is that, like David and Joseph, I made it out alive. I made it out in remarkably good condition, considering. And it's for a reason.

I'm probably not going to save the known world from starvation, and I'm probably not going to be royalty. But God does have a reason for bringing me through what He did. It's not the past I would have chosen, but it's what I have to work with.

This week at work, I'm packing up a lot of stuff. (My boss is going to be thrilled that I got such a life lesson out of this week's project!) Some of the boxes were really awkward sizes, but they were the only ones I have to work with. So I used them. And that's what I have to do with my past as well- use it. I can't use someone else's past just because I think it looks better or more helpful. I have to use mine because it has been given to me by God, and it's useful for His plan for me. I can't really connect to high schoolers who enjoy school (What is that even like?!?!?!) But if you know of one who is struggling, you just send them to me. Because I'm not "C" and they aren't either. We just have awkward boxes.

Out of the Hospital Update

I came home from the hospital yesterday. Luckily for me, my body is easy to torture, and I passed out the first night I was in the hospital. I had to stay until yesterday morning to talk with the doctor though. So I did and they sent me home. I needed some time to process everything I was told, and I could probably still use some time. However, for the sake of my friends that have been on pins and needles, here is my "new" diagnosis:

First of all, I am still diagnosed with Dysautonomia. You can see my explanation of all that here. I was in the hospital doing this study because doctors, family, and friends were all starting to believe that there was something else going on. Mainly, everyone was worried about seizures. So I went in for this study to try to find some answers. My answer is that I do have seizures.

There are two main types of seizures, from what I understand. There are epileptic seizures and non-epileptic seizures. After my passing out Tuesday night, my neurologist was able to confirm that my seizures are non-epileptic. I did not show any of the epilepsy brain abnormalities.

This means that my seizures are non-epileptic, specifically Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES). These manifest in much the same way as epileptic seizures- loss of consciousness, strange movements, etc. However, their causes are different. PNES is caused by psychological stress. Since all of this started in April 2012, I have said again and again that stress was not a cause because I was rarely stressed when they happened. I would be in church, in creative ministries practice, with my friends, in class (ok, that one might be stressful at times). But my point is that I was happy.

Ironically, that is exactly how PNES typically shows up. The way my doctor described is that my body would not let itself handles stress well during the actual stressful situation. It buried my stress deep inside, and that stress manifests when I am calm, when I am happy. In other words, I have something along the same lines as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Most likely, this is the result of my high school experience, which I briefly talk about here.

During the worst part of high school I passed out and landed on a very hard floor after bouncing off some furniture on the way down. I got a pretty bad concussion from that incident. That concussion kept me out of school the majority of my senior year second semester because I was so sick. I have dealt with the effects of that concussion since then. It is also playing into my PNES now, in the opinion of my neurologist.

These are the two main culprits behind my PNES now, but there may be more stress buried in my body that I don't even realize, according to my readings.

There really isn't any treatment for PNES because of how little doctors really know about it. However, 30-40% of people with seizures have the PNES type. I am actually participating in a study at UAB this summer, to try to help them learn more.

PNES is ideally dealt with by both a psychologist and a neurologist. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I might need psychological help again. I don't want to need that help. I feel like people are going to think I'm crazy, that I'm just making it up or overreacting or whatever else. But I'm not. My doctor made it a very clear point to make me understand that I am not crazy and there is still nothing I can do to prevent an episode from happening. Although it is non-epileptic, my body still takes over. From my perspective- it is the same as an epileptic seizure. I have completely lost control over my body when this happens.

So as I try to move forward and make sense of all this, please understand that I'm not just crazy. Please don't treat me like I am. I don't know whats going to happen. I was certainly not prepared to be diagnosed with a psychological problem when I checked into the seizure study. I'm still not used to the idea, but so many people were wondering what exactly happened.

In the EMU...Day 1

Contrary to my sister's first impression, I am not currently in an actual emu. I am in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit at UAB. My sister keeps asking me about the large bird though.

Today is day 1 of my seizure study. I was told to come and expect a 2-5 days stay. So here's what's happened so far-

• I have 23 electrodes glued to my head. Yes, glued. And they pulled me skin tight while they were gluing the electrodes on so I can't move my face either. If you know me at all, you know I hate having all this crap on my head and in my hair. 
• I am on a sleep deprivation plan. They will keep me awake until 4am, and then wake me again at 7am. Who volunteers to stay up and talk to me until 4am??? 
• They truly are planning to torture me into an episode with flashing lights and making me hyperventilate and such as that.
• I am being constantly watched. Constantly- there's a camera in my room. 
• I had to explain freckles to my doctor. "No, I wasn't born with them. No, they don't go away. No, they don't itch." Really? A doctor doesn't know what a freckle is? I am not feeling very confident.

I'm really quite bored. I'm just sitting here waiting to pass out. Mom's here with me, and my sister visited me today. 

So yeah, it's not terribly fun here, and I would really love to pass out pronto and GO HOME!!! Pray for that pretty please!!!!!

Well Hello Again

I haven't blogged in a couple months, and consequently, my insides are about to explode from all I have to share!

Medically: 
     My doctors are starting to believe that either a) I don't actually have dysautonomia or b) I have something in addition to it. In my opinion, it's option b because I do have a lot of symptoms of dysautonomia. However, more and more people (doctors, friends, family, nursing student friends) are starting to suspect some type of seizure activity. I have been tested for seizure activity before, and it was negative. But, fun fact, sometimes tests like that will come back negative if you are not having a seizure during the actual test. And since I can't walk around with all the contraptions hooked up to me on a daily basis, I have to stay in the hospital and pray I have an episode.
     I've known that this was the plan since February, but I just scheduled my appointment yesterday. I go into the hospital on Tuesday, May 27th to stay 2-5 days. The sooner I pass out, the sooner I get to leave is what they tell me. I don't really know everything they will do to me during this time, but here's what I do know:

• I'll be hooked up to several machines the entire time, and that doesn't exactly seem cozy. 
• They will try to make me feel as bad as possible to try to provoke an episode.
• I'm not guaranteed anything. I could go spend my 5 days there and have nothing to show for it. 

     To say that I am not looking forward to this is an understatement. I cried off 3 rounds of mascara yesterday after scheduling my appointment. As some of you know, I went to Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida last summer as a last ditch effort to get answers. They also told me to expect a stay. I walked in, they looked at me, and told me that there was nothing they could do for me. I barely made it out the door before the tears began. And now, all I can think about is that. I do not have high hopes for this appointment, yet I see no choice.

Emotionally:
     As you can probably tell, I'm not doing so well. I've cried a lot the past two days, and I'm crying now. I need my friends and family; I need encouragement.

Spiritually:
     I just started a new Beth Moore book, and I'm LOVING it. More to come on that later, but for now I'll just say that Jesus is really cool. He has changed me and my attitudes about some stuff recently and it's so good! That's what happens when you stop asking Him to change other people and start praying about your own heart.

In It to END IT

Today, February 27, is END IT day. There are estimate of 27 million slaves in the world today, if not more.

And we won't stand for it any longer. 

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

Micah 6:8 (ESV)

My dear, sweet friend, Angie, wrote more about today because she can explain it much better than I can:

"Did you know that there are an estimated 27 million slaves in the world today? That is more than any other time in history combined. On February 27th, 2014 it is Shine a Light on Slavery Day. Join us and other freedom fighters from around the world as we shine a light on slavery- draw a red X on your hand to raise awareness, and tell the world that you are in it to END IT.

My name is Angie Lewis, and I am publicity coordinator for Troy International Justice Mission. I am a freshman at Troy University social work major with a minor in criminal justice. I am from Troy, Alabama originally.

The International Justice Mission is one of 10 coalition partners of END IT. All 10 nonprofit organizations are working towards the same cause- to end modern day slavery

"IJM is a human rights agency that brings rescue to victims of slavery, sexual exploitation, and other forms of violent oppression. IJM lawyers, investigators, and aftercare professionals work with local officials to secure immediate victim rescue and aftercare, to prosecute perpetrators and to ensure that the public justice systems- police, courts, and laws- effectively protect the poor" (IJM.org).

I wanted to get involved with Troy IJM because so many people go every day of their lives without a voice. They never find justice. IJM gives a voice to those who don't have one. IJM fights for the right every human being has- to be free. I have learned that to see any change in the world, you have to be the one to campaign for it. So stand with me on February 27th to shine a light on slavery. Give the voiceless a voice and join the fight for freedom. Draw a red X on your hand and show the world you will not stand for slavery.

For more information on end it visit enditmovement.com. For more information on the International Justice Mission visit ijm.org."

A Godly Kind of LOVE

Happy Valentine's Day!

I want to share some thoughts about a common verse that just happens to relate to the topic of the day- LOVE!

Proverbs 4:23

Keep your heart with all vigilance,

for from it flow the springs of life.

Taken by itself, it seems to mean that you are supposed to keep everything from hurting your heart and never experience pain. It seems to be a key to living a life without heartbreak- never let anything in, never be vulnerable and you will be able to keep your heart intact. But what happens when you are so consumed with "guarding you heart" in this way? Something that I would argue is contrary to God's nature- a lack of love.

But taken with the verses around it, it looks a little different:

Proverbs 4:20-27

20 My son, be attentive to my words;

incline your ear to my sayings.

21 Let them not escape from your sight;

keep them within your heart.

22For they are life to those who find them,

and healing to all their flesh.

23Keep your heart with all vigilance,

for from it flow the springs of life.

24Put away from you crooked speech,

and put devious talk far from you.

25 Let your eyes look directly forward,

and your gaze be straight before you.

26 Ponder the path of your feet;

then all your ways will be sure.

27 Do not swerve to the right or to the left;

turn your foot away from evil.

Now, it looks more like a prescription for wise behavior. The surrounding verses make this popular verse less into a safeguard. All through the Bible, love is a central theme. I have heard people refer to the Bible as God's love letter to us. So why do we avoid loving people like we should? We are to love with the love of God!!!

1 John 4:7-12

7Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

Ephesians 5:1-2

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

1 Peter 4:8

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

This love is not safe! Loving people can and will break your heart! You will hurt when they hurt, you will ache when you are not able to help them. You will miss them when you're apart. This is the love that sent Jesus to the cross! I have watched two special friends love and hurt through their adoption journey. They love their son more than they can explain. And they hurt when they can't hold him; they hurt when he hurts. But I know that if you ask either of them, they will tell you that they would prefer to sometimes hurt because they love their son so much over not letting him into their lives, their hearts.

So, if this verse isn't a warning against Godly, crazy, out-of-this-world, sacrificial LOVE, then what is it? The heart, on its own, is evil. It isn't inclined toward God in the slightest. It will fail you again and again. Our hearts must be taught to follow Christ, to seek God's face! If we do not protect our hearts against ungodly things, then they will lead us to sin, they will lead us away from God. 

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

2 Chronicles 12:14 (referring to an Egyptian king)

And he did evil, for he did not set his heart to seek the Lord.

This Valentine's Day, set out to love. Love lavishly, love with abandon. Do not "guard your heart" in the way of this world. Love with an extravagant, Godly LOVE! And train your heart to seek after God so that it will not lead you astray. 

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Freedom- Part 2

This is Part 2 to my story. If you missed Part 1, you can read it here.

As freshman year went on, I knew that God was wanting more from me than my legalistic mentality. But I was having no part of that. I didn’t even listen to what God had to say for me. I told God no. I told Him that I was done with more. I was done with actually living it because that hadn’t worked so well for me in high school. I was where I wanted to be and I wasn’t screwing that up. I refused. I was quite content with my life the way it was. I had no desire for “more” from God or to do “more” for God. I told God that no one here knew me- I could be shy. That was my plan. I was going to act shy and therefore not have to live out my faith. I was planning to "rewrite" my personality. But that is directly opposite from what the life of a Christian is supposed to look like:

Ephesians 3:11-13

11 This was according to the eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord, 12 in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through our faith in him. 13 So I ask you not to lose heart over what I am suffering for you, which is your glory.

And that’s when my life changed drastically. That’s when I got sick. Was God getting back at me? Of course not! Is God disciplining me? Quite possibly.

Proverbs 3:11-12

11 My son, do not despise the Lord’s disciple or be weary of his reproof, 12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.

Is God breaking down every wall I built in high school and making me look more like Him? You better believe it. God decided that contrary to what I thought- I wasn’t going to be shy. I was going to be quite the opposite. Passing out is very public. Having absolutely no inhibitions when you wake up is even more public! Thankfully, He loves me enough to save me from myself.

Romans 5:1-4

1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

At first I was so upset. After all- I had just finished telling God that I was finally where I wanted to be and I wasn’t messing that up! I was confused; I was scared. And slowly I became less upset and more resentful. I never lost faith in God. I would pray my little heart out for my friends and family- and I believed it. But I never thought for a minute that God would help me out- He could; He just wouldn't. I told Him no, for crying in a bucket! There was no reason for Him to help me. I no longer qualified to have my prayers answered, I believed:

Proverbs 15:29

29 The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous.

But my family prayed for me. My friends prayed for me. My church families prayed for me. And God began to change my heart. He began to soften my heart. I began to realize that this illness is doing my heart more good than anything else. It still hurts. Sometimes more than others. But God IS using this. And then He told me again that He wanted more from me. And instead of pretending to be shy, I wised up and listened. That’s when I started my blog. The way God has used it has overwhelmed me on more than one occasion. It’s been read in thirteen different countries and it blows my mind. It has helped others who are sick not stay in all the depressing stages that I stayed in for a long time.

And recently God told me again that He wanted more. I knew there was a lot of my story left untold. And that’s just silly. I knew He wanted me to share my Point-A to Point-Wherever I am now, but I had no clue about the who, where, when, and how. And I only told one person about it. And she prayed about it. And I prayed about it. And then the opportunity to share came right up and smacked me in the face. And the freedom has been unbelievable. And I don’t know what’s next, but it’s going to be good. Instead of being ashamed by my story like before, I now love to share it, to talk about it.

One of my favorite verses now is Hebrews 11:6.

Hebrews 11:6

6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

It’s been quite the journey to learn to seek, but it’s been so worth it. I can happily say that I don't regret my past. I made mistakes- yes. But for a long time, I regretted doing good, not bad. I regretted not transferring schools when I had the chance. I regretted pursuing more from God in high school. I don't regret those things anymore. Yes, what I went through sucked! And you could not pay me enough to go back to high school. But it happened; God's grace is enough to heal my scars. I promise you this- seeking His face makes life better, not worse.

Freedom- Part 1

True FREEDOM comes when you stop being ashamed of the past that God has forgiven, and use your story for good! I have never experienced more freedom than I have in the last few days. Most people know that I am sick; most people know I hated high school. Most people have no clue how those two things relate, but they do. This past Wednesday, for the first time EVER, I shared my story- the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the connections in between. And it's freedom!

That being said, here's the first part of my story:

     I was in a private Christian school from my first day of kindergarten until the day I graduated. I’m not sure if you have had any experience with Christian schools or what your experience was like, but mine was not good. My school was hardly Christian. They convinced us that all public school children were horrible little heathens. And we- we were so much better! We were simply hypocritical heathens. We did everything any public school child did, but as long as we showed up to chapel, went to our Bible classes, didn’t get any tattoos and had our shirts tucked in- we were golden. I lived in the definition of the white-washed tomb.

Matthew 23:25-28

25 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. 26You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean.

27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. 28So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

And that was what I grew up in. I went to Christian school, I went to church, I knew all the answers. But nothing ever meant anything to me. It was just a routine. Until I was 14. When I was 14 I saw Jesus for who he truly was for the first time. It was at some youth event one weekend and Jesus showed up. I saw Christ on the cross; I got it. Any encounter with God changes you in some way, it simply has to. But I’m ashamed to say that it didn’t change me like it should have. Life was a little different for me, but it was still mostly routine- go to Christian school, go to church with my deacon dad and children’s minister mom. One of my friends had been with me at that youth event and knew that I had seen Jesus. And she was pumped! She was more pumped than I was, honestly. And the next week at school she told EVERYBODY! And I was embarrassed. I was like “What are you doing??? Shut up!” The last thing I wanted was a big deal made.

So needless to say- life was still life. I was still living in my comfortable little white washed tomb. And that went on for a couple more years. And then when I was 16 I did something that I had never done before. The fact that I did it even shocked me. And I know that to some people this seems like no big deal and certainly not enough to bring someone’s world come crashing down around them. But that’s exactly what it did to my life. One day little miss straight A’s over here didn’t study for my test. So I cheated on it. Did I mention this was for my Bible class? I got away with it; no one knew. But it wrecked my world. I couldn’t believe that I had done that. The fact that I had gotten away with it for months- and had been okay with it for just as long- eventually crushed me.

So I actually confessed. It took everything I had and I cried like a baby the entire time. But I did it. And that’s when my life started truly changing. That’s when my heart started truly changing. I was no longer satisfied with turning a blind eye to the hypocrisy of my life, my friends, my school. That’s when I started speaking up. And I paid for it dearly. I was as persecuted as a privileged American teenager with a supportive family can be. I’m always hesitant to use the term “bullied” because no one took my lunch money or beat me up on the playground, and that’s what people typically think of. But it was real. Please understand that this was coming from those that I had counted as my closest friends for several years. Emotional and psychological abuse are still abuse. My senior year I was in counseling multiple times a week and on anti-depressants for a brief time. I’ve never really talked about it before; no one does. And for a long time I was ashamed of the fact that I needed those things.

     By the time graduation rolled around, I was beyond ready to be out of there. I was tired of my school, I was tired of that town. So I graduated and my family whisked me off the next week for a vacation- it was finally over! I got back and spent the whole summer preparing for Troy. I was leaving Anniston and never looking back. I got to Troy and didn’t know a soul. I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. I wanted to “recreate” myself, I guess. I didn't really care about what God had to say about that plan, or about how he had created me. In my skewed mind, God had abandoned me during high school, so I was taking over. I paid no heed to what the Bible said directly about a situation like mine:

1 Peter 3:13-17

13Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? 14But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, 15but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, 16having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. 17For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.

     But fortunately I didn’t know how to be anything other than a goody-two-shoes church girl. So I found a church, got involved with the BCM, found sweet Christian friends. Life was good. I was where I wanted to be. But I was reverting back into my mentality of just outwardly following a bunch of rules. I was done with anything more. Wearing a mask was becoming everyday life for me again.

Part 2 can be found here.

Making Disciples

This weekend was MERGE weekend (aka- a huge D-Now with bunches of churches). I was blessed to be a small group leader with 3 other ladies for 9 of the most energetic, beautiful, hilarious middle school girls ever. This was my first year to actually be in a host home, to spend the entire weekend with a group of girls, to get to know the girls, to pray with/over/for the girls. And I loved it!

Here is my lovely group of young ladies

Facing my fear of bridges for my girls. They're worth it.

Don't get me wrong- I am exhausted (and still recuperating from the bridge pictures!!!)! But I wouldn't trade a minute of this weekend. It was home. It was beautiful. It is my purpose in this life, (it's yours too). People spend their entire lives searching for purpose and worrying about whether they are fulfilling their purpose or not.

Allow me to simplify it for you- live to glorify God and make Him known. That is your purpose- Romans 15:5-7 and Matthew 27:16-20.

May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you,  for the glory of God.

Romans 15:5-7 (ESV)

Remember The Great Commission? That is not solely about going somewhere. There are lost people everywhere, there are young Christians everywhere. All nations includes the one you are currently in! Don't neglect the people around you and look to serve only in other places!

Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. And when they saw him they worshiped him, but some doubted. And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

Matthew 27:16-20 (ESV)

Getting to pour into these girls, to share life with them this weekend was incredible. It was what I was created for! But this weekend was doubly special for me because of who I got to share this time with. I have had many wonderful ladies pour into me and share life with me. Three of those wonderful ladies were there this weekend as I shared life with a group of girls. It was so humbling because I will always remember the things they do to encourage and disciple me. One lady, Lindsay, was a small group leader for me when I was in high school. Anna has been a great encouragement to me since I first moved to Troy. Kaitlin was a constant encouragement to my freshman heart when I got to Troy.

Someone once told me that you know you truly have made disciples when your disciples start making disciples. That was in my mind all weekend as I thanked God continuously for those who selflessly spent time, energy, love, life, and prayers on me. I have been blessed to have many wonderful mentors- my mom, my sisters, Amy, Lindsay, Anna, Justine, Lori, Kaitlin and I'm sure there are more. Thank you for constantly carrying me to the feet of Jesus and encouraging me as I try to do the same for others. 

I love you and I am thankful for you!