But I should have done this...

But I should have done this...

I wish I had just...

If only that hadn't happened...

I don't know about you, but I can fill in all of the above. I'm guessing most of you can too. Hindsight is 20/20 after all, or so "they" say. Whoever "they" are.

But I should have reacted differently.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school.  

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted. 

As I'm sure you can tell, most of my regrets surround my time in high school. I have struggled and struggled with coming to terms with it. Especially since my diagnosis this summer, I have struggled with this anew. I have blamed my high school, I have blamed myself, I have blamed the whole town, I have blamed those who were rightfully at fault, I have blamed those who have the slightest association. I have sought a place to rest the blame in hopes that it will change something. 

Funny thing- the only thing I see changing is me and my attitude. Let me just go ahead and say that this has certainly not been an overnight change, and it is one of the most difficult things I have journey though. Any reminder of my past sends me straight into a panic attack. If I were to be honest, this is the way I generally fill in those blanks:

But I should have reacted differently, and then maybe they would have left me alone. 

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that I wouldn't have a painful past. 

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then they wouldn't have been able to really get to me. 

Isn't it interesting that if I were able to go back and fix it, that I think I would do it so perfectly? I would make the right decisions, perfectly miss all pain, and still end up exactly where I am now (minus the panic attacks, of course). What if the truth would look much more like this:

But I should have reacted differently, and then it would have been much worse.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that maybe I saw no reason to need God.

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then I would have been too hardened to care about people.

Well those don't sound quite as appealing as my version! But who am I to think that I know better? Who's to say my version of my life without that experience would have actually been better? My regrets seem kinda prideful now. 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

See? I don't know what I'm talking about! Even what I see as my worst moments may actually have been for my protection! Let's just say for a moment that I transferred to a different school. Suppose I was super popular and was prom queen. (I know, just humor me, okay?) Let's say I made it through high school the epitome of the put-together girl, and I graduated without shedding a tear. Okay, great! Right? Oh did I forget to mention that maybe I have it all together so much so that "who needs God? Who has the time? Excuse me, I'm doing just fine."? Um, maybe not so great.*

I'm learning that God really meant it when He said He knows more than me. And I'm learning to be oh so grateful. 

*I am not implying in any way that someone who did not struggle through high school automatically has the opinion of not needing God. It was merely an illustration based on my life and my regrets.