Everyone who knows me well and realized that I quit blogging when I quit passing out just let out a collective sigh of disappointment. Six days shy of 10 months- quite a run for me and the current time to beat.
I passed out yesterday in the midst of new friends. I often joke that my medical information is released on a need-to-know basis, and yesterday was certainly that... Two seconds warning and they handled it like champs and loved me through it. A few days ago, I told a friend that I stopped blogging because I felt like I had nothing to say anymore.
The truth?
I've been plagued with doubts and shame for the past nine months. Surely it's not that bad... Maybe I could have stopped it... I just needed to try harder... Whose body does that anyway? Why was it so random? How weak I am? Am I just crazy??
It's hard to talk about when you feel like you're losing your mind and you can't even trust yourself anymore. I've wrestled with the fact that maybe I am just crazy since this whole journey started. It's the natural progression of things when you have an invisible illness, when doctors look at you and shrug, when you can't remember what leads up to it so well, when you can't explain it beyond "I don't feel good." I felt crazy. Dishonest even. Maybe I was just lying to myself. How bad could it have really been?
Answer- pretty bad.
Yesterday, all wrapped up in the passing out was a gift. My memory was better. I remember before I passed out. I remember the slow progression of feeling worse and worse, the symptoms building. I remember the shakiness, the clammy hands. I remember barely being able to mumble "um guys..." I remember. I remember the sermon from an hour before and talking about the sweet mercies of God. I remember experiencing His reassuring mercy. I am not crazy. I am not a liar. I am not weak. What I am is sick. Even when I'm not passing out, I feel the other symptoms of one of my conditions. But for today- if only for today- the symptoms are reassuring mercies that I am truly sick, but more importantly I am truly His. I lost my almost ten month run without passing out because my Father wouldn't let me stay in my doubts and fears. He is merciful.
Psalm 57: 9-10
I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
10 For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
10 For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.
