An Inspiring Story

Most of this blog comes to you courtesy of a dear friend's facebook (with his permission, of course). This is from Eli- his reflection on God's work through the crappiest time in his life. His attitude towards everything that happened is one of the biggest inspirations that helps me keep a good outlook when my life goes crappy. And I recently found this little gem on his facebook today, and it reminded me of God's faithfulness in Eli's life and in mine too. And it's just plain too good not share.

From Eli on September 20, 2013:

One year ago today was probably the worst day of my life. I was at a university of 12,000 students that I didn't fit in at. I'd come for ROTC which I couldn't do because I contracted pneumonia and was too weak to stay in the program. And then my girlfriend had a terrible car accident that no one thought she'd fully recover from.

A year later, I love my school and studies, I have a great group of friends here, Noelle has made a full recovery, and I have a wonderful girlfriend Emily beside me right now.

I would never want to relive 2012, but I'd never give it up, because God is faithful, and good, and loving, and merciful, and is writing an utterly compelling story with our lives. We wouldn't always pick to write it this way, I wouldn't have chosen the path that has brought me here, but it is the perfect story, a masterpiece that costs *so" much, sacrifices *so* much, but which is more beautiful than any other story ever written.

And the ending of that story is secure. Revelation 21 tells us that someday we will have our bodies resurrected to live in a world where all things are new, where there is no crying, or pain, or sorrow anymore. Where the nations are healed by the fruit of the tree of life, and where everything is good and at peace through the redeeming work of Christ, which is not solely limited to saving us, but redeeming all things ever to His perfect image.

And that's why I'm thankful for September 20th, 2012. It changed me, and I love more, I forgive more, I feel grace more powerfully in my life, I am humbled at God's love.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God. No piece of creation has existence outside of God and Christ (John 1).

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-- more than that, who was raised-- who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

'For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.'

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, no powers, nor height not depth, not anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:28-39

A Blessing to My Heart

My friend Haley and I have had the wonderful privilege of heading up this years Creative Ministries team for our BCM. The team is supposed to use skits and creative movements to songs to help share the Gospel and lead in worship. Before the semester started, Haley and I talked about this year- what we expected, what we wanted to see, what we wanted this group to be. And God blew our minds!

We decided that we wanted to encourage unity in our group, especially after helpful hints from previous leaders. We wanted our group to be a team, to be a family. Haley and I (again at the wonderful advice we received) that every practice would include a devotion to focus our efforts for the night. We decided that we would take turns, but that if someone volunteered we would willingly step back.

You should have seen the looks we got when we first shared with them that idea!! They looked at us like Haley and I each had just turned purple with shiny silver polka dots. Ok, that was fine; we were prepared for that. And then by the end of the semester, we had to tell people "Um, maybe you can share in a couple of weeks, we've already got people lined up for the next couple." WHAT?!?!?! When did that happen??

I literally got to see Ephesians 3:20-21 lived out:

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Our group has come to practice faithfully and practiced hard- yes. But more than that- our group has become a family. We are the church. We share our God stories. And it has been amazing to see one person's God story directly affect another's. They have helped each other and God is already using their stories- some of them shared for the FIRST time this semester. They are selflessly sharing themselves to help their brothers and sisters. We (I) have cried a ton. We've also laughed a ton. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this group  is God-loving and God-serving.

Here they are! Aren't they precious?!?

Sadly, this isn't all of them, but this is most.

I did mention the laughs, right??

I love them all. They've taught me a lot this semester, and I can't wait to get back to weekly practices in January. God is using this group He put together, and it just makes me so excited!!!

It's been awhile...

It's been super long since I've written a blog. Hopefully you'll be excited to know that I'm still alive! I'm actually doing well.

I passed out a couple of times after by last blog, then went 2 1/2 weeks without passing out!! Then I passed out. In my room. By myself. Oops. But since that day it has been 4 weeks!!!! (and one day!) I've had chest pains since late September. And starting the Thursday before Thanksgiving, I was constantly struggling to breathe. Not fun times!

But on Thanksgiving (get this- this happened ON THANKSGIVING DAY! what?!?!?!) I woke up- without chest pain, with easy breathing. And if I haven't mentioned it- it's been 4 weeks since I've passed out! (and a day!) I'm kinda super pumped about that! Breathing and remaining conscious are two under-appreciated luxuries!

And today I got to do something that I haven't done since August! I drove my car BY MYSELF! And it was glorious! Well since I haven't been allowed to drive my own car I let my friend Anna borrow it. And she left her Kari Jobe CD in my car. When I got in the car, the first things I heard were

I'm not gonna worry

I know that You've got me

Right inside the palm of your hand

Each and every moment

What's good and what gets broken

Happens just the way You plan.

And it was even more glorious! See recently I've been learning that there is a super fine line between celebrating things and worshiping those things. That's what happened when I went 2 1/2 weeks without an impromptu nap. My attitude was along the lines of "I've been awake for 2 weeks- I got this!" Let me tell ya, I got nothing. Everything that happens in my life- it's in God's plan. He has ordained every happening to make me holy- not happy.

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

The good, the bad- God is using it to make me holy, to make me more Christlike. Let's just be really honest- this semester has not been what I signed up for. It's been tough all the way around. But God is using it- ALL of it. 

That said- I'm still really excited that this semester is almost finished!

When Healing Doesn't Come

Life is...interesting. It's difficult at times. I've been sick now for 20 months now. My family has been faithful to pray over me. My friends have been faithful to pray over me. My church families (both home and here in Troy) have been faithful to pray for me. I have... not been so faithful. I've struggled. Recently Christ has restored my faith more.

But healing hasn't come. 

And recently I've been strangely okay with that. Obviously, being sick is not fun, but it's not the end of the world. For awhile, it felt like the end of my world, but it's not. I'll live; my live will go on; I'll have to change some things; but life goes on.

You see, I have been learning SOOOOOOOOOOO much through this journey. That's why I started this blog. And so many people have told me that they are learning from my journey and blog as well. There's a purpose.

And now I have this theory. People who know me best will laugh because I have theories for everything! (I have a theory that I pass out to the left based on the stories I hear... I just haven't figured out the "why" yet). Anyway, I've just started researching this new theory, so if you have any Scripture please share!!

So my theory is that God will heal me when I and everyone around me have learned everything we possibly can from my illness. Or when it stops having a purpose; when God stops getting glory from it. 

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." (Romans 8:18).

That healing could come tomorrow (although I don't foresee that happening), 20 years from now, or the day I die. And that will be okay. Because no matter when I'm healed, I will be healed. 

Paul encouraged the church at Philippi with "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen." (Philippians 4:19-20). And I believe it still applies. 

Healing will come someday. Until then I will learn and give glory to God for it. 

And, as always, I have a song for you :) Glory to God by Fee

A Sacrifice of Praise

We don't tend to think about sacrifices much nowadays... I don't at least. I'm quite thankful that I don't have to sacrifice an animal for every sin (that's a lot of animals dead at my expense). But really, sacrifices are more than that.

We talk about sacrificing our time, sacrificing our money. And those are wonderful things to give over for God's glory. But how often do we forget a sacrifice of praise? I know I, for one, stand there like a robot if I'm just "not feeling" it. Or I neglect to praise Him daily, hourly, because my little mind gets confused. I start to think that I am only supposed to praise Him if everything's good, if I'm happy, if I feel like it.

Wrong. Like it or not, God deserves my praise every second of my life and then some.

He is faithful. Praise Him.
He is trustworthy. Praise Him.
He is just. Praise Him.
He is beautiful. Praise Him.
He is good. Praise Him.
He is merciful. Praise Him.
He is consistent. Praise Him.
He is God. Praise Him.

See, those characteristics of God don't change! Especially not based on something happening here on earth. He is good and deserving of praise all the time. We should praise Him just because He is.

Hebrews 13:5-6 says "Keep your life free from love of the money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsaken you.' So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'"

Talk about a reason to PRAISE!!!

God has me all the time- even when things aren't "going my way," especially when things aren't "going my way." And He deserves my praise all the time, no matter the circumstances.

I love how songs capture exactly what I'm trying to express! At All Times- Mandisa & While I'm Waiting- John Waller

Being Transparent

Many times, I'm tempted to put on that "brave face" even when I shouldn't. I think that if I don't then people will know I'm sick, people will treat me differently, I'll look weak.

But I am sick. Sometimes I do need some help. And I am weak, some days more than other.

But who wants to look it? Not me! I think that a lot of times, I put on my "yes, I'm sick, but it's all really going very well" face or even my "me? sick? you must be mistaken!" face for people even when I'm not okay. Even when I'm laying in my bedroom floor crying my eyes out. Even when I'm questioning God. Even when I blow up at my friends and family because they know better than to believe my "faces."

Truth is- in those instances, I'm trying to be someone I'm not. I'm trying to look like that sweet little Christian girl who sits and accepts everything as it happens, never questioning, never doubting. And that is a lie. I'm not that person. I don't sit here and just accept this. I complain. I question. I've doubted and I probably will again. I get angry. I've gone through spells of giving God the silent treatment like a 4 year old would. I've been in the place where I thought that God was good and that He was capable. He just wouldn't help me.

And that's so wrong. Even though God has not healed me and I am still physically ill, He has helped me. He holds me up through everyday. I know this; I do. But I need reminding daily. And God knew I would. That's why He tells me to seek.

So many times throughout the Bible, we are commanded to seek Him, seek His face, seek His kingdom!

Matthew 6:33 says"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you." 

Colossians 3:1 says "If you then have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 

And one my favorites, Hebrews 11:6 says "And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."

That's why I'm not ashamed to question anymore.

(There's an important difference in questioning God as in telling Him that you think you know better and questioning to understand Him more.)

It's okay to be transparent. It's okay to be confused. It's okay to ask questions as long as you listen to the answer! It's okay to not have it all together. It's okay to just be you!

This song is absolutely wonderful! It explains things so well, and it's just so pretty!
I Can Just Be Me- Laura Story

Burdens...

This topic is something I usually keep very close to me and don't ever really let people see it. But I'm practicing honesty and openness, so here goes!

I'm a burden. Yes, we all have burdens, but I am a burden.

I'm a burden on my family, a burden on my friends, a burden on my teachers, a burden really on anyone who happens to interact with me on a regular basis. I know this. I have known this for quite some time now, but it's still hard to accept. I want to be independent, I want to do things myself , I want to take care of myself. But sometimes I just can't. I can't drive right now, sometimes I can't even stand. I need help. I have to rely on those around me. And I don't like it. I don't like feeling like the burden I am.

Now, before everyone starts messaging me trying to assure me that I am, in fact, NOT a burden- let me explain. I'm learning that maybe being a burden is how its supposed to be anyway...

I'm not encouraging laziness here, if you can do something for yourself, then by all means do it. But maybe reliance on others isn't quite the horrible thing that our culture makes it out to be. Because I am a burden to those around me quite often, I get to see a special side of them.

These ladies are wonderful! Some of my favorites. Not a one has ever been resentful of the extra help I need. They're always there. ALWAYS! I know I can call them at midnight because I'm just overwhelmed with the whole situation (I know this because I've done this), I know that if I pass out, at least one of them will be there when I wake up. I know that when I'm sick and I see one of them cry, it's because they're hurting for me, not mad that I'm "messing up their schedules." I know these ladies are there for me, without ever lording it over my head that they do help me often.

The other day I was blessed to see what our friendship looks like through someone else's eyes. I saw these 3 friends together one night. One of them was in a wheelchair; it looked like possibly a knee injury. Anyway, as I watched (stalked) these 3 friends, it stuck out to me how normal their interaction was. I don't know these people, so I can't say for certain, but it seemed to me that they treated the girl in the wheelchair the same as when she hadn't needed their help. When her arms got tired with her wheelchair, one of the friends stepped up to push her without saying one word or expecting a big thank you.

I feel like I've gotten closer to some people because I do have to rely on them, and it certainly makes me rely on God more. Do some people treat me differently? Yeah, but that's to be expected.

My point is this- maybe independence isn't all it's cracked up to be and blessings can come from both admitting when we need to be dependent and shouldering a friend's burdens. It's hard to admit when you need help, but blessings do come from it.

From Bad to Beautiful

Several years ago during a particularly hard circumstance in my life, I remember my Dad telling me that I had a gift. He told me that he could see throughout my entire life that I was always able to look back on things and see how they connected and influenced other things in my life. Good things, things that I am thankful for now. I can see how things I viewed as negative led me to where I am now, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

This may not seem like much, but now it seems as though God has been equipping me my entire life to be sick. It’s so much easier to endure if you can find the light, find the good in situations. Sometimes it takes years to be able to see, but once you recognize it- it makes me feel so safe. It’s a reminder that God has me.

Right now, I’m pretty clueless as to the big picture of why everything is the way it is. I know I’m being drawn closer to God in the process. I know that I can support others who are sick in ways that I never could have before. And I know that I have a boldness I lacked before. See, I used to be pretty shy. But passing out and having such a public illness really gets you over that rather quickly. I can’t hide that I pass out, so why not talk about it? Why not talk about how God is using it in my life? Even if I learn so much through this, doesn’t it seem a little “cheap” if I don’t share it?

God has given me this platform that I never imagined or asked for. If I don’t use it, that just means everything I go through has one less purpose. It still wouldn’t be purposeless. But why not get every use I possibly can out of this? I’m going to be sick anyway.

Partially, I started blogging what I’m going through and how God’s using it for my friends and family to read. To give them a glimpse into my heart, into my thought process. And partially I started this because I have memory problems and if I don’t tell you now, I might never. J But mostly, I started this because it is so cool to look back and see how far God has brought you and how He has remained faithful to you the entire time!!! I mean really! How disappointing would it be to look back over the last few years of your life and see nothing!? To not see any of how God used negative to become positive for you and others around you?

Long story, short- I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to share how God is using me, using this. The support so far has been incredible and overwhelming. I hope this helps someone, you or maybe someone you know. I want God to use me, use this, for His glory. To show this world that bad doesn't have to be bad, end of story. My God can take bad and make beautiful.

*For those of you who haven't yet heard, the test results that I was waiting for so anxiously came back normal.

Remembering His Promises

Copied from facebook August 24, 2013

So this last week has been busy. And when I say "busy" I mean "crappy." I've passed out 3 times this past week. One time I was unconscious for about 45 minutes. Yikes! I've been to the ER, I've been to the doctor. I've given blood 4 times for various tests. I'm waiting for test results. I'm terrified about those results. Well half the time anyway, the other half I'm surprisingly relaxed. I feel behind in my classes because of all that, and yet I'm on facebook. Sometimes you just have to get some things off your chest though, ya know?

My point is that this last week has been far from easy. Last Saturday was good. I hadn't passed out in about a month, I was feeling pretty good physically, and I was pretty pumped about life. Sunday I passed out in church. (and my friends kept it so hidden that some people didn't even know it had happened!) Ok, minor setback, but life was still good. By Wednesday I was fully recovered from Sunday's ordeal and preparing for a full afternoon of homework. Then I passed out. And I stayed unconscious for about 45 minutes and woke up in the ER. Being my stubborn self, I got out of the ER and went on with life as though nothing had happened. I went to class that evening, then to church... where I passed out again. Passing out twice in one day had never happened before for me. My friends were scared, my family was scared, I was terrified. Friday I went to the doctor for more tests and those are the results I'm anxiously awaiting.

Now I'm sitting in my room listening to "Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets and crying my little eyes out. In case you aren't familiar with the song, some of the lyrics are:

"I’m giving You fear and You give faith

I giving you doubt

You give me grace

For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way

Even in the valley I will say

With every breath

You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You

You’ve never failed before

I will wait for You"

I know this. I really do. But now I'm forced to live it. I cannot do this without God. One of my precious friends told me this week that it's okay to be weak. And she's right. Because my strength gets me nowhere fast. 

God's got me, He's holding me together with His strength. No matter how many days I wake up and view these health problems as a curse or as unfair or whatever negative thing... It's a blessing. I'm being shown on a daily basis just how much I need God. And that's a whole lot, in case you were wondering. Life's hard, following God isn't safe, but it is good.

The Benefits of Being Sick

Copied from facebook August 20, 2013

So today during one of my ASL classes, we were discussing health conditions and how one might sign "I used to be able to do ..., but now I can't!" And my teacher seemed very impressed with my facial expression to go with that. And I got to thinking that maybe my facial expression for that was so perfect because maybe that is my attitude too often. I focus too much on what I've lost being sick and not what I've gained.

It's hard to see the good in being sick at times, but it's there if you really want to find it. So tonight during my run, Jesus and I had a heart-to-heart about it. And I came up with quite a few good things in my life *because* of my being sick- not in spite of it.

• First of all, I discovered that I actually kinda like running. Who knew?!
• I get to have food pretty much anywhere I want. Who's going to tell the girl who passes out that she can't eat?
• My doctors give me permission to eat as much salt as my little heart desires. :) and then some!
• I got to buy cute new clothes because of the weight I lost. 
• My Daddy feels bad for me, so he buys me shoes. I love shoes. 
• I have memory problems, so if something is horrible, chances are I'll forget it anyway.
• A lot of people know who I am, even if it is just as "oh, so you're the one that passed out last time!"
• I've seen a level of compassion in my friends and family that I wouldn't have otherwise seen. I have had friends literally sit and cry with me for hours on end. People don't stick around through stuff like this unless they truly care.
• I get to be there and support my friend who was just diagnosed with the same thing.
• I have a bonafide excuse for not liking medicine.
• I know from experience that you can go to Troy Regional ER and come out alive.
• I got cute new glasses that make me look smart because this screwed up my vision.
• I am slowly growing closer to God. It's a roller coaster, but I wouldn't be doing this well without Him.
• The promise of Heaven is even sweeter because I know I will be fully healed then if not before.

I'm sure there are many many more, but a girl can only run for so long. :) 

This song (Different Light by Big Daddy Weave) is wonderful, by the way. I'm not sick for someone's kicks and giggles. My God has a plan, and He's using this. And He'll continue to use it. And that makes it worth it. Feel free to remind me of this often. 

Different Light by Big Daddy Weave

My Illness in My Words

Copied from facebook July 8, 2013

I wanted to sit down and take the time to fully explain everything in one place for anyone who is curious. Mostly I want to write this because when I do pass out, I can't speak for myself. This is my chance to speak for myself, in my own words.

     I have two types of a disease called Dysautonomia, which affects things you can't control such as heart rate. The first type I was diagnosed with is vasovagal syncope. This is responsible for when I actually lose consciousness. It's more episodic than constant. The second type is called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome or POTS. This is one that is responsible for my day to day symptoms such as fatigue/lack of energy, dizziness/lightheadness, nausea, brain fog/memory trouble, insomnia, headaches, and some vision changes. Together these two are responsible for the way I am and the way my health behaves.

     Dysautonomia has no cure. And there are very limited treatment options. I've tried many. There are different medicines that I have tried that were unsuccessful and some that made my condition worse. One even landed me in the hospital I reacted to it so strongly. Many people with Dysautonomia have strong sensitivities to medications, but no one has really been able to tell me why. But because of this, medicines just aren't an option for me. There are other "natural" treatment options that I've tried unsuccessfully. The only treatment option I have left at this point is to become an "exercise fanatic" and work out constantly. However this is difficult for me because of my daily symptoms. I'm currently working with a physical therapist to try to work around my symptoms and not make myself worse. I have heard a few success stories for this plan, so I am hopeful.

     Many people have wondered if my eating or blood sugar is related. It isn't. My blood sugar has been fine everytime it's been checked and I've passed out after eating a full meal before. The two are really unrelated except the nausea sometimes makes eating difficult.

     Right now I have no doctor appointments set up and no intenions of setting up anymore appointments. Doctors and paramedics are largely unfamiliar with Dysautonomia and therefore cannot help me. In some cases, they have made it worse. I ask that the paramedics not be called when I pass out. Having to explain my condition to paramedics who don't seem to believe that I know what I'm talking about minutes after waking up just tends to put me in an ill mood.

     I know that seeing me pass out is scary, but I need for you to not freak out. Should you be around me when I pass out, lie me flat on my back, prop my feet up, wait, and don't panic. I should wake up in 10-20 minutes. If I don't, have trouble breathing, or don't have a pulse, you may call the paramedics and I promise to not get upset.

    I am trying to learn how to deal with this in my life. I'm having to change how I do certain things or just not do them at all. I understand that you care, but it is important for me to set my own limits and try things on my own when I feel capable. That will be the easiest way for me to adjust into this change. I will tell you if I need help or if I feel like I'm about to pass out. Part of coping with this has been learning the difference between just feeling puny and knowing I am about to pass out. So hopefully I will be able to let you know what's happening.

     Also, I am never sure how to answer questions like "How are you?" It isn't that I don't want to tell you or that I think it's private. I'm just never sure how to answer those questions because my health changes so very quickly. So please have patience with me if my answers seem weird or cryptic to those types of questions.

     I'm sorry this is so long. I didn't intend for it to be quite this long, but this is a large part of my life now and I want my friends and family to understand it.