Just to clarify, the "C" word I'm referring to is CRAZY! In case you couldn't tell from my last post, as soon as I got my new diagnosis, I thought of myself as crazy. I assumed that everyone around me would see me as crazy as well. However, my friends have encouraged me to take "crazy" out of my vocabulary, so from here on out, I'll just use "C."
Having this diagnosis of Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) has been a very difficult pill to swallow. I've cried a lot since the diagnosis, and I've wrestled with a lot of emotions and questions. I viewed myself as "C" and so I started questioning everything.
Does this mean I don't really love Jesus like I thought I did?
Does this mean my faith isn't real?
Does this make me a bad Christian?
Does this hurt my testimony?
Does this mean Christ isn't really sovereign in my life?
Does this mean I'm a failure?
I'm learning the answer is NO! (still learning...) Having PNES does NOT mean any of those things. It's difficult to deal with, but it is not as damaging as I first thought. It just brings back a lot of unpleasant memories and really messes with my mind.
I'm reading A Heart Like His by Beth Moore. It is about the life of David. In case you are unfamiliar with the story, David was a hunted man. Saul wanted to take his life because of jealousy and fear. My pastor at my home church has been leading us through the life of Joseph. Joseph was also a hunted man. No matter how awful my high school experience was, there were never any threats on my life (that I'm aware of. I guess you never really know). Anyway, the point is that, like David and Joseph, I made it out alive. I made it out in remarkably good condition, considering. And it's for a reason.
I'm probably not going to save the known world from starvation, and I'm probably not going to be royalty. But God does have a reason for bringing me through what He did. It's not the past I would have chosen, but it's what I have to work with.
This week at work, I'm packing up a lot of stuff. (My boss is going to be thrilled that I got such a life lesson out of this week's project!) Some of the boxes were really awkward sizes, but they were the only ones I have to work with. So I used them. And that's what I have to do with my past as well- use it. I can't use someone else's past just because I think it looks better or more helpful. I have to use mine because it has been given to me by God, and it's useful for His plan for me. I can't really connect to high schoolers who enjoy school (What is that even like?!?!?!) But if you know of one who is struggling, you just send them to me. Because I'm not "C" and they aren't either. We just have awkward boxes.
Having this diagnosis of Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) has been a very difficult pill to swallow. I've cried a lot since the diagnosis, and I've wrestled with a lot of emotions and questions. I viewed myself as "C" and so I started questioning everything.
Does this mean I don't really love Jesus like I thought I did?
Does this mean my faith isn't real?
Does this make me a bad Christian?
Does this hurt my testimony?
Does this mean Christ isn't really sovereign in my life?
Does this mean I'm a failure?
I'm learning the answer is NO! (still learning...) Having PNES does NOT mean any of those things. It's difficult to deal with, but it is not as damaging as I first thought. It just brings back a lot of unpleasant memories and really messes with my mind.
I'm reading A Heart Like His by Beth Moore. It is about the life of David. In case you are unfamiliar with the story, David was a hunted man. Saul wanted to take his life because of jealousy and fear. My pastor at my home church has been leading us through the life of Joseph. Joseph was also a hunted man. No matter how awful my high school experience was, there were never any threats on my life (that I'm aware of. I guess you never really know). Anyway, the point is that, like David and Joseph, I made it out alive. I made it out in remarkably good condition, considering. And it's for a reason.
I'm probably not going to save the known world from starvation, and I'm probably not going to be royalty. But God does have a reason for bringing me through what He did. It's not the past I would have chosen, but it's what I have to work with.
This week at work, I'm packing up a lot of stuff. (My boss is going to be thrilled that I got such a life lesson out of this week's project!) Some of the boxes were really awkward sizes, but they were the only ones I have to work with. So I used them. And that's what I have to do with my past as well- use it. I can't use someone else's past just because I think it looks better or more helpful. I have to use mine because it has been given to me by God, and it's useful for His plan for me. I can't really connect to high schoolers who enjoy school (What is that even like?!?!?!) But if you know of one who is struggling, you just send them to me. Because I'm not "C" and they aren't either. We just have awkward boxes.
