Time to Reset the Clock

Everyone who knows me well and realized that I quit blogging when I quit passing out just let out a collective sigh of disappointment. Six days shy of 10 months- quite a run for me and the current time to beat. 

I passed out yesterday in the midst of new friends. I often joke that my medical information is released on a need-to-know basis, and yesterday was certainly that... Two seconds warning and they handled it like champs and loved me through it. A few days ago, I told a friend that I stopped blogging because I felt like I had nothing to say anymore. 

The truth?

I've been plagued with doubts and shame for the past nine months. Surely it's not that bad... Maybe I could have stopped it... I just needed to try harder... Whose body does that anyway? Why was it so random? How weak I am? Am I just crazy??

It's hard to talk about when you feel like you're losing your mind and you can't even trust yourself anymore. I've wrestled with the fact that maybe I am just crazy since this whole journey started. It's the natural progression of things when you have an invisible illness, when doctors look at you and shrug, when you can't remember what leads up to it so well, when you can't explain it beyond "I don't feel good." I felt crazy. Dishonest even. Maybe I was just lying to myself. How bad could it have really been?

Answer- pretty bad. 

Yesterday, all wrapped up in the passing out was a gift. My memory was better. I remember before I passed out. I remember the slow progression of feeling worse and worse, the symptoms building. I remember the shakiness, the clammy hands. I remember barely being able to mumble "um guys..." I remember. I remember the sermon from an hour before and talking about the sweet mercies of God. I remember experiencing His reassuring mercy. I am not crazy. I am not a liar. I am not weak. What I am is sick. Even when I'm not passing out, I feel the other symptoms of one of my conditions. But for today- if only for today- the symptoms are reassuring mercies that I am truly sick, but more importantly I am truly His. I lost my almost ten month run without passing out because my Father wouldn't let me stay in my doubts and fears. He is merciful.

Psalm 57: 9-10

I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
    I will sing praises to you among the nations.
10 For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
    your faithfulness to the clouds.

And Oh, How I've Cried

I have cried many tears leading up to this day. I'm about to start crying again...

tears of shock

tears of joy

tears of surprise

tears of exhaustion

tears of happiness

tears of anticipation

tears of confusion

tears because I could not find words

You see, I have waited for this day for three years. I have counted down to this day for weeks. I have had this day in big red letters on my mirror where I would see it everyday! 

What's so special about today? Actually... nothing. The really special day was Monday, but this was a more concise milestone, and I like concise.

When I became ill three years ago, I passed out three times in a week. Then I was seemingly fine for 20 weeks and 5 days; I thought it was a fluke. Then my illness struck again and I have struggled with it consistently with it for three years. But... I haven't passed out recently.

Monday was 20 weeks and 5 days! Today is 21 WEEKS!

I don't know what has made the difference, and I still don't know what the future holds. I still have moments where I am hanging on to consciousness by a thread. But SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT!

Maybe my body is getting stronger. (Maybe my body is just fed up with itself.)

Maybe the doctors finally figured something out (lol- I don't go to doctors anymore!)

Maybe I have so much Gatorade and salt built up in my body, that my illness doesn't stand a chance.

Maybe I've been healed of one or more of the three illnesses.

Maybe it's because my New Year's resolution is FINALLY working.

Maybe it's because I'm stubborn.

Maybe it's because of the burden lifted from my soul this year.

Maybe it's just because.

Maybe this will last forever.

Maybe it will end tomorrow. 

Either way, I'm grateful to be here, to be conscious for 21 WEEKS!

Friends, thank you. I don't know what the future holds; I don't know if I'll ever have the blessing and challenge of writing a "sicky" blog again. So I want to thank you; I want to hug each of you. 

For the past three years, you have stood by me, 

you have caught me (figuratively and literally!), 

you have cried with me, 

you have prayed over me, 

you have listened, 

you have fought for me, 

you have fought with me, 

you have driven me around, 

you have brought me food, 

you have told me I was more than an illness. 

I have been very blessed to hear very few hurtful comments that others have heard from those supposed to care: "it's all in your head," "you just need to exercise more," "you don't have enough faith," and others such as that. 

Thank you, friends. 

#MergeTroy 2015

Oh my heart!

This year I was beyond blessed to have a group of girls who were completely new to Merge. They had no clue what to expect and were so willing to go with the flow and be flexible! And after one weekend, they are now MY girls.

Such beauty, such confidence, such openness, such repentance- in one group of girls. They blew me away. As leaders, Haley and I were supposed to lead our girls and hopefully maybe teach them a little something along the way. Ha! They taught us more than we could have ever imagined teaching them!

How to serve others even when you aren't completely sure you know what you're doing

How to just be yourself

How to take a real head-turning picture ;)

And how to just have fun without holding back

Okay, maybe Haley and I already knew that last one...

But yall- these girls, MY girls, are incredible, and I am different, BETTER, for having met them. Parents, thank you for sharing these beautiful ladies with us this weekend. We had just as much fun as they did. 

These girls are in 6th and 7th grade and they are so mature! Way more mature than I was at that age! (or now, whichever). They KNOW what God tells them about who they are, and they BELIEVE it! Hard times have come for some of them already, and hard times will come for all of them in the future, but the foundation they have now in Christ is something incredible. They are an example to every adult around them.

Doesn't it kind of make you feel about an inch tall when you are supposed to have it all together (lol), and along comes someone who, according to the media, should be about as hormonal as they come right now, shows you a little thing or two about truly being a woman in Christ?! It's not complicated for them! They don't bargain with God. They just love Him! When will we ever learn?

4 Years Ago Today...

Four years ago today was arguably one of the most impacting days of my life to this point. Four years ago I was in high school and staring graduation in the face, begging it to just hurry up. I went into school that day expecting a hailstorm of trouble, but I had no idea how much my life was about to change in a matter of hours. That day, as an emotionally-ravaged high school version of myself stood in my guidance counselor's office, I passed out for the fifth time in my life. And that was a pivotal microsecond.

My last day as a normally functioning human for awhile.

Unlike, the first, second, third, and fourth times I had passed out, there was no graceful swooning, no arms to catch me. There was, however, a piece of furniture and a concrete floor that welcomed my dropped-like-lead body.

My next clear memory from my own perspective should probably be placed somewhere in late March. I went from remembering every detail of my life to not being able to change classes without getting confused. That's when the nightmares started. That's when the panic attacks started. That's when my sweet, sweet Momma slept on the floor for five months because my health and emotions were both so off, and she didn't want to risk leaving me alone.

I wore the concussion well at this point. I had no idea that it had changed my life forever. 

I didn't know it then, but my life was changed. I managed to graduate on time with my class after missing weeks of school and not knowing if I spelled my name right on the work I was turning in.

I graduated Valedictorian and was able to publicly thank those in my class who had supported me when it was uncertain if  I would even be able to graduate.

Now, four years later, as I sit here telling the whole story for the first time, I am staring at my binder of medical records that is at least two inches thick. The last four years of my life are contained in that two-inch thick monstrosity. (Well, it does have a pretty cover because why not?)

Every time I wake up from passing out, January 27, 2011 haunts me in its own cruel way. See, a severe concussion alters your brain. And can, among other factors, cause Dysautonomia (the umbrella term for a group of illnesses, two of which I have- Vasovagal Syncope and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). Oh and just by the way, have you ever tried to spell those names for paramedics minutes after passing out? Not easy.

I never imagined my life looking the way it does now on the morning of January 27, 2011. Now I have passed out over 30 times. Forgive me, I didn't feel like counting an exact total for you.

Every January 27th comes with a certain amount of reflection, certain amount of self-pity, and a tiny dash of celebration. Looking back over these last four years, I wouldn't change a single thing... Just kidding. I have regrets, but if January 27, 2011 is what it took to get me where I am today, then maybe there will be a little less self-pity and a little more celebration today.

So this January 27th, I'll be reading my own blog and rejoicing in the faithfulness of my God to make this all somehow okay.

Restored to Joy

There is so much good to be found in suffering, in heartache, in loneliness, in upset, in stress. There is so much beauty and so much comfort to be found. But that is no excuse to stay there.

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Passion 2015 Atlanta last week. It was incredible in so many ways, and while I was there, it hit me- I had become so used to living in my suffering that I had forgotten the joy!

Living with a chronic illness will take it right out of you. Don't let anyone tell you differently. It's difficult, it sucks, it takes a lot of adjustment and a good sense of humor.

It is also a wonderful learning opportunity with many lessons offered daily. It is an experience which strips away any pretense with those you love and who love you... and a few random strangers. It is a situation which can and will drive you to your knees.

But it never saved me, therefore it is not the source of my joy. There is so much good to be gleaned from crap, you have my word. Suffering is like a really awful yard sale- no one really wants any of that stuff, but if you're patient then you just might find something beautiful. But it was never meant to be the destination- just a rest stop to show me my Savior anew.

I will never stop learning from this life I live, but I want to rest where my Savior is. I don't want to stay with my suffering. I want to abide in His joy that He had opened my eyes to.

Psalm 16 (ESV)

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

    I have no good apart from you.”

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,

    in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

    their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out

    or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

    you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

    in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me;

    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

    my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

    or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;

    in your presence there is fullness of joy;

    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

I want to set the Lord before me. I want to dwell on Him and His work, not the medium through which He is teaching me. This simple thought dawned on me while I was standing in Philips Arena, surrounded by more than 20,000 of my closest friends- focused on Jesus. Hearing so many voices raised, seeing so many people in awe, and not really caring if anyone was there or if it was just you- I imagine that it was the tiniest glimpse of Heaven. Being so consumed with Christ and His joy- it's much better than sorting through yard sale stuff all the time. Look up- He's beautiful. 

Here are some of the wonderful people that stood by me and helped by me sort through my heart as we sought the face of God together. (I might be biased, but I think they're pretty awesome).