4 Years Ago Today...

Four years ago today was arguably one of the most impacting days of my life to this point. Four years ago I was in high school and staring graduation in the face, begging it to just hurry up. I went into school that day expecting a hailstorm of trouble, but I had no idea how much my life was about to change in a matter of hours. That day, as an emotionally-ravaged high school version of myself stood in my guidance counselor's office, I passed out for the fifth time in my life. And that was a pivotal microsecond.

My last day as a normally functioning human for awhile.

Unlike, the first, second, third, and fourth times I had passed out, there was no graceful swooning, no arms to catch me. There was, however, a piece of furniture and a concrete floor that welcomed my dropped-like-lead body.

My next clear memory from my own perspective should probably be placed somewhere in late March. I went from remembering every detail of my life to not being able to change classes without getting confused. That's when the nightmares started. That's when the panic attacks started. That's when my sweet, sweet Momma slept on the floor for five months because my health and emotions were both so off, and she didn't want to risk leaving me alone.

I wore the concussion well at this point. I had no idea that it had changed my life forever. 

I didn't know it then, but my life was changed. I managed to graduate on time with my class after missing weeks of school and not knowing if I spelled my name right on the work I was turning in.

I graduated Valedictorian and was able to publicly thank those in my class who had supported me when it was uncertain if  I would even be able to graduate.

Now, four years later, as I sit here telling the whole story for the first time, I am staring at my binder of medical records that is at least two inches thick. The last four years of my life are contained in that two-inch thick monstrosity. (Well, it does have a pretty cover because why not?)

Every time I wake up from passing out, January 27, 2011 haunts me in its own cruel way. See, a severe concussion alters your brain. And can, among other factors, cause Dysautonomia (the umbrella term for a group of illnesses, two of which I have- Vasovagal Syncope and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). Oh and just by the way, have you ever tried to spell those names for paramedics minutes after passing out? Not easy.

I never imagined my life looking the way it does now on the morning of January 27, 2011. Now I have passed out over 30 times. Forgive me, I didn't feel like counting an exact total for you.

Every January 27th comes with a certain amount of reflection, certain amount of self-pity, and a tiny dash of celebration. Looking back over these last four years, I wouldn't change a single thing... Just kidding. I have regrets, but if January 27, 2011 is what it took to get me where I am today, then maybe there will be a little less self-pity and a little more celebration today.

So this January 27th, I'll be reading my own blog and rejoicing in the faithfulness of my God to make this all somehow okay.

Restored to Joy

There is so much good to be found in suffering, in heartache, in loneliness, in upset, in stress. There is so much beauty and so much comfort to be found. But that is no excuse to stay there.

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Passion 2015 Atlanta last week. It was incredible in so many ways, and while I was there, it hit me- I had become so used to living in my suffering that I had forgotten the joy!

Living with a chronic illness will take it right out of you. Don't let anyone tell you differently. It's difficult, it sucks, it takes a lot of adjustment and a good sense of humor.

It is also a wonderful learning opportunity with many lessons offered daily. It is an experience which strips away any pretense with those you love and who love you... and a few random strangers. It is a situation which can and will drive you to your knees.

But it never saved me, therefore it is not the source of my joy. There is so much good to be gleaned from crap, you have my word. Suffering is like a really awful yard sale- no one really wants any of that stuff, but if you're patient then you just might find something beautiful. But it was never meant to be the destination- just a rest stop to show me my Savior anew.

I will never stop learning from this life I live, but I want to rest where my Savior is. I don't want to stay with my suffering. I want to abide in His joy that He had opened my eyes to.

Psalm 16 (ESV)

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

    I have no good apart from you.”

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,

    in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

    their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out

    or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

    you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

    in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me;

    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

    my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

    or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;

    in your presence there is fullness of joy;

    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

I want to set the Lord before me. I want to dwell on Him and His work, not the medium through which He is teaching me. This simple thought dawned on me while I was standing in Philips Arena, surrounded by more than 20,000 of my closest friends- focused on Jesus. Hearing so many voices raised, seeing so many people in awe, and not really caring if anyone was there or if it was just you- I imagine that it was the tiniest glimpse of Heaven. Being so consumed with Christ and His joy- it's much better than sorting through yard sale stuff all the time. Look up- He's beautiful. 

Here are some of the wonderful people that stood by me and helped by me sort through my heart as we sought the face of God together. (I might be biased, but I think they're pretty awesome).