But I should have done this...

But I should have done this...

I wish I had just...

If only that hadn't happened...

I don't know about you, but I can fill in all of the above. I'm guessing most of you can too. Hindsight is 20/20 after all, or so "they" say. Whoever "they" are.

But I should have reacted differently.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school.  

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted. 

As I'm sure you can tell, most of my regrets surround my time in high school. I have struggled and struggled with coming to terms with it. Especially since my diagnosis this summer, I have struggled with this anew. I have blamed my high school, I have blamed myself, I have blamed the whole town, I have blamed those who were rightfully at fault, I have blamed those who have the slightest association. I have sought a place to rest the blame in hopes that it will change something. 

Funny thing- the only thing I see changing is me and my attitude. Let me just go ahead and say that this has certainly not been an overnight change, and it is one of the most difficult things I have journey though. Any reminder of my past sends me straight into a panic attack. If I were to be honest, this is the way I generally fill in those blanks:

But I should have reacted differently, and then maybe they would have left me alone. 

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that I wouldn't have a painful past. 

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then they wouldn't have been able to really get to me. 

Isn't it interesting that if I were able to go back and fix it, that I think I would do it so perfectly? I would make the right decisions, perfectly miss all pain, and still end up exactly where I am now (minus the panic attacks, of course). What if the truth would look much more like this:

But I should have reacted differently, and then it would have been much worse.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that maybe I saw no reason to need God.

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then I would have been too hardened to care about people.

Well those don't sound quite as appealing as my version! But who am I to think that I know better? Who's to say my version of my life without that experience would have actually been better? My regrets seem kinda prideful now. 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

See? I don't know what I'm talking about! Even what I see as my worst moments may actually have been for my protection! Let's just say for a moment that I transferred to a different school. Suppose I was super popular and was prom queen. (I know, just humor me, okay?) Let's say I made it through high school the epitome of the put-together girl, and I graduated without shedding a tear. Okay, great! Right? Oh did I forget to mention that maybe I have it all together so much so that "who needs God? Who has the time? Excuse me, I'm doing just fine."? Um, maybe not so great.*

I'm learning that God really meant it when He said He knows more than me. And I'm learning to be oh so grateful. 

*I am not implying in any way that someone who did not struggle through high school automatically has the opinion of not needing God. It was merely an illustration based on my life and my regrets. 

Too Blessed to Be Stressed?

"I'm just too blessed to be stressed!"

I don't know about you, but I hear this all the time. Maybe people are trying to tell me I'm too high- strung, I don't know. But I've been thinking about this phrase a lot this week because I've been particularly stressed.

I am a very blessed individual. I really am. I have a loving family, sweet friends, a great job with a great boss. My teachers are understanding of my illness. I'm in school learning to do what I love. I'm doing just fine.

But I'm also a very stressed individual. I have academic stress because learning to be an interpreter is a lot (seriously, I'm convinced some of you interpreters out there are part superhero). I have emotional stress because things don't always go my way. I get disappointed. I have psychological stress because I have wounds that run deep.

I'm sure you all can relate. Paul could. Paul prays three times for his "thorn in the flesh" (whatever it really was) to be removed. THREE times. Not once, as if it didn't really matter. Not twice, as if it was just a nuisance. Three times, because it truly bothered him.

Somehow those blessings I listed above don't make me any less stressed. Of course, the people in my life are great. I have plenty of shoulders to cry on when needed. I have people who will literally hunt me down because they know that I shouldn't be alone even though it's what I wanted.

Blessings in life don't automatically negate the stressors in life, unfortunately.

But my Jesus can. He comes to me in my times of stress and puts His arms around me. He lets me know that it's all okay in His hands. He tells me that He has enough strength for my to-do list. He has the peace to calm my heart. He has the power it takes to forgive.

When Paul prayed, he was not relieved of the thorn in his flesh. He was given peace to accept it and God's strength to hold on.

I love love LOVE God's response to Paul's prayers, and Paul's response to it:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

This life is going to bring heartache and pain. God is going to provide strength to do what is necessary. The blessing that has the power to make me less stressed? That would be my Jesus, and my Jesus alone.