Freedom- Part 1

True FREEDOM comes when you stop being ashamed of the past that God has forgiven, and use your story for good! I have never experienced more freedom than I have in the last few days. Most people know that I am sick; most people know I hated high school. Most people have no clue how those two things relate, but they do. This past Wednesday, for the first time EVER, I shared my story- the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the connections in between. And it's freedom!

That being said, here's the first part of my story:

     I was in a private Christian school from my first day of kindergarten until the day I graduated. I’m not sure if you have had any experience with Christian schools or what your experience was like, but mine was not good. My school was hardly Christian. They convinced us that all public school children were horrible little heathens. And we- we were so much better! We were simply hypocritical heathens. We did everything any public school child did, but as long as we showed up to chapel, went to our Bible classes, didn’t get any tattoos and had our shirts tucked in- we were golden. I lived in the definition of the white-washed tomb.

Matthew 23:25-28

25 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. 26You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean.

27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. 28So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

And that was what I grew up in. I went to Christian school, I went to church, I knew all the answers. But nothing ever meant anything to me. It was just a routine. Until I was 14. When I was 14 I saw Jesus for who he truly was for the first time. It was at some youth event one weekend and Jesus showed up. I saw Christ on the cross; I got it. Any encounter with God changes you in some way, it simply has to. But I’m ashamed to say that it didn’t change me like it should have. Life was a little different for me, but it was still mostly routine- go to Christian school, go to church with my deacon dad and children’s minister mom. One of my friends had been with me at that youth event and knew that I had seen Jesus. And she was pumped! She was more pumped than I was, honestly. And the next week at school she told EVERYBODY! And I was embarrassed. I was like “What are you doing??? Shut up!” The last thing I wanted was a big deal made.

So needless to say- life was still life. I was still living in my comfortable little white washed tomb. And that went on for a couple more years. And then when I was 16 I did something that I had never done before. The fact that I did it even shocked me. And I know that to some people this seems like no big deal and certainly not enough to bring someone’s world come crashing down around them. But that’s exactly what it did to my life. One day little miss straight A’s over here didn’t study for my test. So I cheated on it. Did I mention this was for my Bible class? I got away with it; no one knew. But it wrecked my world. I couldn’t believe that I had done that. The fact that I had gotten away with it for months- and had been okay with it for just as long- eventually crushed me.

So I actually confessed. It took everything I had and I cried like a baby the entire time. But I did it. And that’s when my life started truly changing. That’s when my heart started truly changing. I was no longer satisfied with turning a blind eye to the hypocrisy of my life, my friends, my school. That’s when I started speaking up. And I paid for it dearly. I was as persecuted as a privileged American teenager with a supportive family can be. I’m always hesitant to use the term “bullied” because no one took my lunch money or beat me up on the playground, and that’s what people typically think of. But it was real. Please understand that this was coming from those that I had counted as my closest friends for several years. Emotional and psychological abuse are still abuse. My senior year I was in counseling multiple times a week and on anti-depressants for a brief time. I’ve never really talked about it before; no one does. And for a long time I was ashamed of the fact that I needed those things.

     By the time graduation rolled around, I was beyond ready to be out of there. I was tired of my school, I was tired of that town. So I graduated and my family whisked me off the next week for a vacation- it was finally over! I got back and spent the whole summer preparing for Troy. I was leaving Anniston and never looking back. I got to Troy and didn’t know a soul. I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. I wanted to “recreate” myself, I guess. I didn't really care about what God had to say about that plan, or about how he had created me. In my skewed mind, God had abandoned me during high school, so I was taking over. I paid no heed to what the Bible said directly about a situation like mine:

1 Peter 3:13-17

13Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? 14But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, 15but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, 16having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. 17For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.

     But fortunately I didn’t know how to be anything other than a goody-two-shoes church girl. So I found a church, got involved with the BCM, found sweet Christian friends. Life was good. I was where I wanted to be. But I was reverting back into my mentality of just outwardly following a bunch of rules. I was done with anything more. Wearing a mask was becoming everyday life for me again.

Part 2 can be found here.