Freedom- Part 2

This is Part 2 to my story. If you missed Part 1, you can read it here.

As freshman year went on, I knew that God was wanting more from me than my legalistic mentality. But I was having no part of that. I didn’t even listen to what God had to say for me. I told God no. I told Him that I was done with more. I was done with actually living it because that hadn’t worked so well for me in high school. I was where I wanted to be and I wasn’t screwing that up. I refused. I was quite content with my life the way it was. I had no desire for “more” from God or to do “more” for God. I told God that no one here knew me- I could be shy. That was my plan. I was going to act shy and therefore not have to live out my faith. I was planning to "rewrite" my personality. But that is directly opposite from what the life of a Christian is supposed to look like:

Ephesians 3:11-13

11 This was according to the eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord, 12 in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through our faith in him. 13 So I ask you not to lose heart over what I am suffering for you, which is your glory.

And that’s when my life changed drastically. That’s when I got sick. Was God getting back at me? Of course not! Is God disciplining me? Quite possibly.

Proverbs 3:11-12

11 My son, do not despise the Lord’s disciple or be weary of his reproof, 12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.

Is God breaking down every wall I built in high school and making me look more like Him? You better believe it. God decided that contrary to what I thought- I wasn’t going to be shy. I was going to be quite the opposite. Passing out is very public. Having absolutely no inhibitions when you wake up is even more public! Thankfully, He loves me enough to save me from myself.

Romans 5:1-4

1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

At first I was so upset. After all- I had just finished telling God that I was finally where I wanted to be and I wasn’t messing that up! I was confused; I was scared. And slowly I became less upset and more resentful. I never lost faith in God. I would pray my little heart out for my friends and family- and I believed it. But I never thought for a minute that God would help me out- He could; He just wouldn't. I told Him no, for crying in a bucket! There was no reason for Him to help me. I no longer qualified to have my prayers answered, I believed:

Proverbs 15:29

29 The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous.

But my family prayed for me. My friends prayed for me. My church families prayed for me. And God began to change my heart. He began to soften my heart. I began to realize that this illness is doing my heart more good than anything else. It still hurts. Sometimes more than others. But God IS using this. And then He told me again that He wanted more from me. And instead of pretending to be shy, I wised up and listened. That’s when I started my blog. The way God has used it has overwhelmed me on more than one occasion. It’s been read in thirteen different countries and it blows my mind. It has helped others who are sick not stay in all the depressing stages that I stayed in for a long time.

And recently God told me again that He wanted more. I knew there was a lot of my story left untold. And that’s just silly. I knew He wanted me to share my Point-A to Point-Wherever I am now, but I had no clue about the who, where, when, and how. And I only told one person about it. And she prayed about it. And I prayed about it. And then the opportunity to share came right up and smacked me in the face. And the freedom has been unbelievable. And I don’t know what’s next, but it’s going to be good. Instead of being ashamed by my story like before, I now love to share it, to talk about it.

One of my favorite verses now is Hebrews 11:6.

Hebrews 11:6

6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

It’s been quite the journey to learn to seek, but it’s been so worth it. I can happily say that I don't regret my past. I made mistakes- yes. But for a long time, I regretted doing good, not bad. I regretted not transferring schools when I had the chance. I regretted pursuing more from God in high school. I don't regret those things anymore. Yes, what I went through sucked! And you could not pay me enough to go back to high school. But it happened; God's grace is enough to heal my scars. I promise you this- seeking His face makes life better, not worse.