4 Years Ago Today...

Four years ago today was arguably one of the most impacting days of my life to this point. Four years ago I was in high school and staring graduation in the face, begging it to just hurry up. I went into school that day expecting a hailstorm of trouble, but I had no idea how much my life was about to change in a matter of hours. That day, as an emotionally-ravaged high school version of myself stood in my guidance counselor's office, I passed out for the fifth time in my life. And that was a pivotal microsecond.

My last day as a normally functioning human for awhile.

Unlike, the first, second, third, and fourth times I had passed out, there was no graceful swooning, no arms to catch me. There was, however, a piece of furniture and a concrete floor that welcomed my dropped-like-lead body.

My next clear memory from my own perspective should probably be placed somewhere in late March. I went from remembering every detail of my life to not being able to change classes without getting confused. That's when the nightmares started. That's when the panic attacks started. That's when my sweet, sweet Momma slept on the floor for five months because my health and emotions were both so off, and she didn't want to risk leaving me alone.

I wore the concussion well at this point. I had no idea that it had changed my life forever. 

I didn't know it then, but my life was changed. I managed to graduate on time with my class after missing weeks of school and not knowing if I spelled my name right on the work I was turning in.

I graduated Valedictorian and was able to publicly thank those in my class who had supported me when it was uncertain if  I would even be able to graduate.

Now, four years later, as I sit here telling the whole story for the first time, I am staring at my binder of medical records that is at least two inches thick. The last four years of my life are contained in that two-inch thick monstrosity. (Well, it does have a pretty cover because why not?)

Every time I wake up from passing out, January 27, 2011 haunts me in its own cruel way. See, a severe concussion alters your brain. And can, among other factors, cause Dysautonomia (the umbrella term for a group of illnesses, two of which I have- Vasovagal Syncope and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). Oh and just by the way, have you ever tried to spell those names for paramedics minutes after passing out? Not easy.

I never imagined my life looking the way it does now on the morning of January 27, 2011. Now I have passed out over 30 times. Forgive me, I didn't feel like counting an exact total for you.

Every January 27th comes with a certain amount of reflection, certain amount of self-pity, and a tiny dash of celebration. Looking back over these last four years, I wouldn't change a single thing... Just kidding. I have regrets, but if January 27, 2011 is what it took to get me where I am today, then maybe there will be a little less self-pity and a little more celebration today.

So this January 27th, I'll be reading my own blog and rejoicing in the faithfulness of my God to make this all somehow okay.

Restored to Joy

There is so much good to be found in suffering, in heartache, in loneliness, in upset, in stress. There is so much beauty and so much comfort to be found. But that is no excuse to stay there.

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Passion 2015 Atlanta last week. It was incredible in so many ways, and while I was there, it hit me- I had become so used to living in my suffering that I had forgotten the joy!

Living with a chronic illness will take it right out of you. Don't let anyone tell you differently. It's difficult, it sucks, it takes a lot of adjustment and a good sense of humor.

It is also a wonderful learning opportunity with many lessons offered daily. It is an experience which strips away any pretense with those you love and who love you... and a few random strangers. It is a situation which can and will drive you to your knees.

But it never saved me, therefore it is not the source of my joy. There is so much good to be gleaned from crap, you have my word. Suffering is like a really awful yard sale- no one really wants any of that stuff, but if you're patient then you just might find something beautiful. But it was never meant to be the destination- just a rest stop to show me my Savior anew.

I will never stop learning from this life I live, but I want to rest where my Savior is. I don't want to stay with my suffering. I want to abide in His joy that He had opened my eyes to.

Psalm 16 (ESV)

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

    I have no good apart from you.”

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,

    in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

    their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out

    or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

    you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

    in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me;

    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

    my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

    or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;

    in your presence there is fullness of joy;

    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

I want to set the Lord before me. I want to dwell on Him and His work, not the medium through which He is teaching me. This simple thought dawned on me while I was standing in Philips Arena, surrounded by more than 20,000 of my closest friends- focused on Jesus. Hearing so many voices raised, seeing so many people in awe, and not really caring if anyone was there or if it was just you- I imagine that it was the tiniest glimpse of Heaven. Being so consumed with Christ and His joy- it's much better than sorting through yard sale stuff all the time. Look up- He's beautiful. 

Here are some of the wonderful people that stood by me and helped by me sort through my heart as we sought the face of God together. (I might be biased, but I think they're pretty awesome).

I Don't Pray for Healing Anymore

I've given up on praying for my physical healing. I've been sick for 31 months, almost to the day. That's a really long time to feel bad. For quite some time at the beginning, I didn't believe I deserved healing so why bother praying for it? I didn't pray for myself. Then I realized God wasn't mad at me or throwing a temper tantrum, so I started praying to be healed. No such luck. So I got angry and quit praying for healing again. Then I put on my big girl panties and realized that God can and will operate in His timing. So I started praying again. And now I have stopped praying for physical healing for myself yet again.

Now before you think I've completely lost my ever-loving mind yet again, let me explain. I think I actually have a solid reason this time!

Make no mistake- I would love to be healed from these three monsters. I would gladly accept a backwards bogo deal and only keep one. Heck, just get rid of one and we'll be golden! But that's kinda actually the problem.

The first time I stopped praying for myself and physical healing, it was because I didn't believe that God was willing to heal me. Well guess what! I was wrong...

Christ clearly has compassion on His people in Scripture and does a great deal of healing in His earthly ministry.

Matthew 9:35-10:8

And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction.  When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few;  therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every affliction. The names of the twelve apostles are these: first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus; Simon the Cananaean, and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him. These twelve Jesus sent out, instructing them, "Go nowhere among the Gentiles and enter no town of the Samaritans,  but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And proclaim as you go, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is at hand.'  Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying; give without pay. 

 Christ had compassion on the suffering He saw and His earthly ministry included healing to show the people of a deeper healing He came to accomplish. He has compassion on His children now, as well. He is willing.

The second time I stopped praying for myself and physical healing, it was partially because I didn't believe that God maybe couldn't heal me. Spoiler alert- I was wrong again.

Christ is more than able to heal me. He healed here on earth without even seeing or touching the ill person. He is able.

Matthew 8: 5-13

When he entered Capernaum, a centurion came forward to him, appealing to him,  "Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, suffering terribly."  And he said to him, "I will come and heal him." But the centurion replied, "Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant will be healed.  For I too am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. And I say to one, 'Go,' and he goes, and to another, 'Come,' and he comes, and to my servant,'Do this,' and he does it."  When Jesus heard this, he marveled and said to those who followed him, "Truly, I tell you, with no one in Israel have I found such faith.  I tell you, many will come from east and west and recline at table with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven,  while the sons of the kingdom will be thrown into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." And to the centurion Jesus said, "Go; let it be done for you as you have believed." And the servant was healed at that very moment.  

So if He is willing, and if He is able, then why in the world did I stop praying for physical healing yet again? Simple- healing shouldn't be my goal. Physical healing this side of eternity would be nice, but it's not my goal anymore. My goal is not to be happy and get through life in comfort. 

Romans 8

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.  For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,  in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.  For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.  Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.  But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness.  If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh.  For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.  For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope  that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.  Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

I want to focus on Christ for His goodness, not my wish list. My goal is to become closer to my Savior, not my comfort. If He chooses to grant me physical healing, so be it. If He chooses not to, so be it. Christ has taught me so much through this journey that I would not have learned the same way had I been healthy. I choose Christ over comfort. I choose to focus on His eternal goodness instead of my temporary illness. 

I don't believe that praying for physical healing is wrong. It's actually good! But when I place my desire to be healthy over my desire to grow in my relationship with Christ, it becomes idolatry. And it had to go. 

 

What Doesn't Kill You

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

Right... Sure, ok...

Last time I checked what doesn't kill you simply leaves you for dead. It makes sense right? This awful terrible thing that brought you to the edge of your patience, your tolerance, your ability- suddenly it turns and brings you to the opposite side of the spectrum giving you a strength you've never seen, let alone experienced, before. Because that happens. 

No no, that terrible thing that stopped just shy of pushing you off the cliff and into destruction? It left you there, right on the edge of the cliff, waiting for you to wake up and groan in pain as you try to move. It's waiting for you to roll yourself off that cliff. Sounds much more in character of something that would bring you to the brink of death anyway.

So what's a gal to do? If I move, surely I'll bring on my own destruction in a desparate attempt to save myself. It looks like my only option is to give up- to lie there on the edge of that cliff but put on my brave face for the rest of the world as I repeat "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" like a broken record.

But Praise the Lord! I have a Savior who picks me up from His own strength and shows me the beauty of what could have easily been my own destruction had He not rescued me and lent me His own strengths.

2 Corinthians 12:5-10

5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. 6 Though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Many people have told me over the past two and half years of my illness that they admire my strength. Many people have told me I'm one of the strongest people they know. Some people have even walked on eggshells around me so as to not give me anything else to deal with.

And I appreciate it all, I truly do. But I'm not any stronger than you, and I have no more in my life to deal with than you. Everyone faces battles everyday, whether they be private or public. Everyone makes life-altering choices everyday, whether they be private or public.

But my illness has not made me stronger. Not in the least, sweetheart. And I'm really tired of giving credit to the illness that drags me to the edge of the cliff instead of to the Savior who rescues me!

Vasovagal syncope has not made me stronger.
Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome has not made me stronger.
Psychogenic NonEpileptic Seizures have not made me stronger.

Christ has made me stronger by lending me His own strength.

But I should have done this...

But I should have done this...

I wish I had just...

If only that hadn't happened...

I don't know about you, but I can fill in all of the above. I'm guessing most of you can too. Hindsight is 20/20 after all, or so "they" say. Whoever "they" are.

But I should have reacted differently.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school.  

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted. 

As I'm sure you can tell, most of my regrets surround my time in high school. I have struggled and struggled with coming to terms with it. Especially since my diagnosis this summer, I have struggled with this anew. I have blamed my high school, I have blamed myself, I have blamed the whole town, I have blamed those who were rightfully at fault, I have blamed those who have the slightest association. I have sought a place to rest the blame in hopes that it will change something. 

Funny thing- the only thing I see changing is me and my attitude. Let me just go ahead and say that this has certainly not been an overnight change, and it is one of the most difficult things I have journey though. Any reminder of my past sends me straight into a panic attack. If I were to be honest, this is the way I generally fill in those blanks:

But I should have reacted differently, and then maybe they would have left me alone. 

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that I wouldn't have a painful past. 

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then they wouldn't have been able to really get to me. 

Isn't it interesting that if I were able to go back and fix it, that I think I would do it so perfectly? I would make the right decisions, perfectly miss all pain, and still end up exactly where I am now (minus the panic attacks, of course). What if the truth would look much more like this:

But I should have reacted differently, and then it would have been much worse.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that maybe I saw no reason to need God.

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then I would have been too hardened to care about people.

Well those don't sound quite as appealing as my version! But who am I to think that I know better? Who's to say my version of my life without that experience would have actually been better? My regrets seem kinda prideful now. 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

See? I don't know what I'm talking about! Even what I see as my worst moments may actually have been for my protection! Let's just say for a moment that I transferred to a different school. Suppose I was super popular and was prom queen. (I know, just humor me, okay?) Let's say I made it through high school the epitome of the put-together girl, and I graduated without shedding a tear. Okay, great! Right? Oh did I forget to mention that maybe I have it all together so much so that "who needs God? Who has the time? Excuse me, I'm doing just fine."? Um, maybe not so great.*

I'm learning that God really meant it when He said He knows more than me. And I'm learning to be oh so grateful. 

*I am not implying in any way that someone who did not struggle through high school automatically has the opinion of not needing God. It was merely an illustration based on my life and my regrets. 

Too Blessed to Be Stressed?

"I'm just too blessed to be stressed!"

I don't know about you, but I hear this all the time. Maybe people are trying to tell me I'm too high- strung, I don't know. But I've been thinking about this phrase a lot this week because I've been particularly stressed.

I am a very blessed individual. I really am. I have a loving family, sweet friends, a great job with a great boss. My teachers are understanding of my illness. I'm in school learning to do what I love. I'm doing just fine.

But I'm also a very stressed individual. I have academic stress because learning to be an interpreter is a lot (seriously, I'm convinced some of you interpreters out there are part superhero). I have emotional stress because things don't always go my way. I get disappointed. I have psychological stress because I have wounds that run deep.

I'm sure you all can relate. Paul could. Paul prays three times for his "thorn in the flesh" (whatever it really was) to be removed. THREE times. Not once, as if it didn't really matter. Not twice, as if it was just a nuisance. Three times, because it truly bothered him.

Somehow those blessings I listed above don't make me any less stressed. Of course, the people in my life are great. I have plenty of shoulders to cry on when needed. I have people who will literally hunt me down because they know that I shouldn't be alone even though it's what I wanted.

Blessings in life don't automatically negate the stressors in life, unfortunately.

But my Jesus can. He comes to me in my times of stress and puts His arms around me. He lets me know that it's all okay in His hands. He tells me that He has enough strength for my to-do list. He has the peace to calm my heart. He has the power it takes to forgive.

When Paul prayed, he was not relieved of the thorn in his flesh. He was given peace to accept it and God's strength to hold on.

I love love LOVE God's response to Paul's prayers, and Paul's response to it:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

This life is going to bring heartache and pain. God is going to provide strength to do what is necessary. The blessing that has the power to make me less stressed? That would be my Jesus, and my Jesus alone.

Thanks, Sound of the South

I've been extremely attached to Troy's band so far this semester. I LOVE that I live right across from the band field. If you ever can't find me, check the hill by the band field. I sit there and watch the band and cry. Today I was sitting there full-blown ugly crying. Thank goodness for sunglasses!

Don't get me wrong, I have always loved the Sound of the South and have been immensely proud to have them at Troy. But somehow this year is more like my freshman year. The last two years, I guess I took having the band around for granted. 

I haven't been very secret about my struggles and my past with this blog. High school was terrible, and I even hated my hometown because of it. I was beyond thrilled to move to Troy my freshman year and "get away" from my past. The band was a constant reminder that I was no longer in high school (my high school didn't have a band). Sophomore and junior years I still loved the band, but I was doing better and didn't need them quite the same way. 

Earlier this summer when I was diagnosed with PNES (which is caused by something like PTSD from my high school experience) I felt like I was right back where I didn't want to be. The panic attacks started again. The nightmares started again. The incessant crying started again. The hopelessness started again. The only difference is that this time I wasn't quite ready to leave my parents to move to Troy. I wanted the safety my parents offered. My friends in Troy are great, but my parents know what I went through better than anyone. My mom slept on the floor next to my bed for an entire semester in high school because I was doing so badly. 

I didn't want to leave them. I didn't want to move back to Troy and start work and classes and my big-girl life. I cried on move-in day. The next day was the first time I heard the band this year. And yes, I cried. It reminded me that I'm not in high school. That part of my life is O.V.E.R! 

So thank you, Sound of the South, for making me glad to be back in Troy and reminding me that there is life after crap. (I'll still probably continue to ugly cry for you.)