But I should have done this...

But I should have done this...

I wish I had just...

If only that hadn't happened...

I don't know about you, but I can fill in all of the above. I'm guessing most of you can too. Hindsight is 20/20 after all, or so "they" say. Whoever "they" are.

But I should have reacted differently.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school.  

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted. 

As I'm sure you can tell, most of my regrets surround my time in high school. I have struggled and struggled with coming to terms with it. Especially since my diagnosis this summer, I have struggled with this anew. I have blamed my high school, I have blamed myself, I have blamed the whole town, I have blamed those who were rightfully at fault, I have blamed those who have the slightest association. I have sought a place to rest the blame in hopes that it will change something. 

Funny thing- the only thing I see changing is me and my attitude. Let me just go ahead and say that this has certainly not been an overnight change, and it is one of the most difficult things I have journey though. Any reminder of my past sends me straight into a panic attack. If I were to be honest, this is the way I generally fill in those blanks:

But I should have reacted differently, and then maybe they would have left me alone. 

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that I wouldn't have a painful past. 

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then they wouldn't have been able to really get to me. 

Isn't it interesting that if I were able to go back and fix it, that I think I would do it so perfectly? I would make the right decisions, perfectly miss all pain, and still end up exactly where I am now (minus the panic attacks, of course). What if the truth would look much more like this:

But I should have reacted differently, and then it would have been much worse.

I wish I had just gone to a different high school, so that maybe I saw no reason to need God.

If only I hadn't trusted who I trusted, then I would have been too hardened to care about people.

Well those don't sound quite as appealing as my version! But who am I to think that I know better? Who's to say my version of my life without that experience would have actually been better? My regrets seem kinda prideful now. 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

See? I don't know what I'm talking about! Even what I see as my worst moments may actually have been for my protection! Let's just say for a moment that I transferred to a different school. Suppose I was super popular and was prom queen. (I know, just humor me, okay?) Let's say I made it through high school the epitome of the put-together girl, and I graduated without shedding a tear. Okay, great! Right? Oh did I forget to mention that maybe I have it all together so much so that "who needs God? Who has the time? Excuse me, I'm doing just fine."? Um, maybe not so great.*

I'm learning that God really meant it when He said He knows more than me. And I'm learning to be oh so grateful. 

*I am not implying in any way that someone who did not struggle through high school automatically has the opinion of not needing God. It was merely an illustration based on my life and my regrets. 

Too Blessed to Be Stressed?

"I'm just too blessed to be stressed!"

I don't know about you, but I hear this all the time. Maybe people are trying to tell me I'm too high- strung, I don't know. But I've been thinking about this phrase a lot this week because I've been particularly stressed.

I am a very blessed individual. I really am. I have a loving family, sweet friends, a great job with a great boss. My teachers are understanding of my illness. I'm in school learning to do what I love. I'm doing just fine.

But I'm also a very stressed individual. I have academic stress because learning to be an interpreter is a lot (seriously, I'm convinced some of you interpreters out there are part superhero). I have emotional stress because things don't always go my way. I get disappointed. I have psychological stress because I have wounds that run deep.

I'm sure you all can relate. Paul could. Paul prays three times for his "thorn in the flesh" (whatever it really was) to be removed. THREE times. Not once, as if it didn't really matter. Not twice, as if it was just a nuisance. Three times, because it truly bothered him.

Somehow those blessings I listed above don't make me any less stressed. Of course, the people in my life are great. I have plenty of shoulders to cry on when needed. I have people who will literally hunt me down because they know that I shouldn't be alone even though it's what I wanted.

Blessings in life don't automatically negate the stressors in life, unfortunately.

But my Jesus can. He comes to me in my times of stress and puts His arms around me. He lets me know that it's all okay in His hands. He tells me that He has enough strength for my to-do list. He has the peace to calm my heart. He has the power it takes to forgive.

When Paul prayed, he was not relieved of the thorn in his flesh. He was given peace to accept it and God's strength to hold on.

I love love LOVE God's response to Paul's prayers, and Paul's response to it:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

This life is going to bring heartache and pain. God is going to provide strength to do what is necessary. The blessing that has the power to make me less stressed? That would be my Jesus, and my Jesus alone.

Thanks, Sound of the South

I've been extremely attached to Troy's band so far this semester. I LOVE that I live right across from the band field. If you ever can't find me, check the hill by the band field. I sit there and watch the band and cry. Today I was sitting there full-blown ugly crying. Thank goodness for sunglasses!

Don't get me wrong, I have always loved the Sound of the South and have been immensely proud to have them at Troy. But somehow this year is more like my freshman year. The last two years, I guess I took having the band around for granted. 

I haven't been very secret about my struggles and my past with this blog. High school was terrible, and I even hated my hometown because of it. I was beyond thrilled to move to Troy my freshman year and "get away" from my past. The band was a constant reminder that I was no longer in high school (my high school didn't have a band). Sophomore and junior years I still loved the band, but I was doing better and didn't need them quite the same way. 

Earlier this summer when I was diagnosed with PNES (which is caused by something like PTSD from my high school experience) I felt like I was right back where I didn't want to be. The panic attacks started again. The nightmares started again. The incessant crying started again. The hopelessness started again. The only difference is that this time I wasn't quite ready to leave my parents to move to Troy. I wanted the safety my parents offered. My friends in Troy are great, but my parents know what I went through better than anyone. My mom slept on the floor next to my bed for an entire semester in high school because I was doing so badly. 

I didn't want to leave them. I didn't want to move back to Troy and start work and classes and my big-girl life. I cried on move-in day. The next day was the first time I heard the band this year. And yes, I cried. It reminded me that I'm not in high school. That part of my life is O.V.E.R! 

So thank you, Sound of the South, for making me glad to be back in Troy and reminding me that there is life after crap. (I'll still probably continue to ugly cry for you.)

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Days like today I want to give up.

Unfortunately giving up on being sick- not really an option. It feels like I'm drowning in an ever-growing list of symptoms, the most recent being back spasms. My first one was 2 weeks ago and it came out of the clear blue sky. I figured I pulled a muscle since I'm not exactly the epitome of grace in action. It started when I woke up and was mainly just soreness by late afternoon. No harm, no foul, right? Today's caught me completely off guard and it came out with guns blazing. In fact, I'm writing this now because I'm still awake with pain. Back spasms coupled with the inability to take a deep breath has made for an exhausting day, mentally and physically.

Overall, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sick of cancelled plans and I'm tired of the toll being sick takes. I'm sick of looking healthy while feeling like I'd just rather hug the floor, and I'm tired of feeling that "Get Well" cards are empty promises. I'm so sick and tired of living sick and tired.

But I do live sick and tired. What other choice do I have? Sit at home and wallow in self-pity? Not a chance. As soon as my back allows me the luxury of movement (and of, it IS a luxury) once more I will be out living my life. It's the only life I have to live (did I just use yolo?) and I can't trade it in for a more "convenient" one. I probably couldn't handle the new life anyway since I was created for this one. Being sick and tired has made me who I am. Being sick and tired has made me depend on the great I Am. I'm an independent personality with an "I'll do it myself" attitude. Without being stopped in my tracks by something outside my control, would I make time for Him? I shudder to think. Days like today remind me how helpless I am on my own. I would rather do life my way without being sick and tired, but I think it's pretty safe to say it's better that I can't.

I'm not happy...

I'm not happy. Not all the time at least. I've probably never been happy for any period much longer than a day, if that much. I cry more than any human should. 

I don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes life sucks. Bad things happen all the time.

We get sick.

We lose loved ones.

We lose jobs.

We're just way too stressed.

We mess up plans.

We don't measure up.

We're just plain sad. 

Who can be happy in that?

No one, if they're really being honest. It's a good thing God gives us joy to sustain us when happiness wanes. God gives us joy to carry on when there is no way to be happy. Happiness is too dependent on circumstances for us to be dependent on it.

When those bad things happen, people are tempted to get angry at God, to ask where He is. I know I am. But "in times like these, we find out whether we have based our faith on who God is or on what He does" (A Heart Like His by Beth Moore).

A faith built on the works of God that we view as good will bring temporary happiness. It is a faith built on human understanding and perspectives. It's volatile and fleeting.

A faith built on the faithful and good character of God will bring enduring joy. We don't have to understand what He does to know that it's good, to trust Him because He is who He says He is.

Isaiah 55:6-13 (ESV)

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call upon him while he is near;

let the wicked forsake his way,

and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,

and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

“For you shall go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

shall break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;

instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;

and it shall make a name for the Lord,

an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Psalm 4 (ESV)

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame?
How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? 

 But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself;
the Lord hears when I call to him.
Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. 

 Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the Lord.
There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

 

God is good; God is faithful. God gives us joy to sustain us because He knows us well enough to know that we won't always understand. And we won't always be happy. But we will be joyful if we put our faith in Him and not His works that we deem "good."

The "C" Word and the Gospel

Just to clarify, the "C" word I'm referring to is CRAZY! In case you couldn't tell from my last post, as soon as I got my new diagnosis, I thought of myself as crazy. I assumed that everyone around me would see me as crazy as well. However, my friends have encouraged me to take "crazy" out of my vocabulary, so from here on out, I'll just use "C."

Having this diagnosis of Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) has been a very difficult pill to swallow. I've cried a lot since the diagnosis, and I've wrestled with a lot of emotions and questions. I viewed myself as "C" and so I started questioning everything.

Does this mean I don't really love Jesus like I thought I did?
Does this mean my faith isn't real?
Does this make me a bad Christian?
Does this hurt my testimony?
Does this mean Christ isn't really sovereign in my life?
Does this mean I'm a failure?

I'm learning the answer is NO! (still learning...) Having PNES does NOT mean any of those things. It's difficult to deal with, but it is not as damaging as I first thought. It just brings back a lot of unpleasant memories and really messes with my mind.

I'm reading A Heart Like His by Beth Moore. It is about the life of David. In case you are unfamiliar with the story, David was a hunted man. Saul wanted to take his life because of jealousy and fear. My pastor at my home church has been leading us through the life of Joseph. Joseph was also a hunted man. No matter how awful my high school experience was, there were never any threats on my life (that I'm aware of. I guess you never really know). Anyway, the point is that, like David and Joseph, I made it out alive. I made it out in remarkably good condition, considering. And it's for a reason.

I'm probably not going to save the known world from starvation, and I'm probably not going to be royalty. But God does have a reason for bringing me through what He did. It's not the past I would have chosen, but it's what I have to work with.

This week at work, I'm packing up a lot of stuff. (My boss is going to be thrilled that I got such a life lesson out of this week's project!) Some of the boxes were really awkward sizes, but they were the only ones I have to work with. So I used them. And that's what I have to do with my past as well- use it. I can't use someone else's past just because I think it looks better or more helpful. I have to use mine because it has been given to me by God, and it's useful for His plan for me. I can't really connect to high schoolers who enjoy school (What is that even like?!?!?!) But if you know of one who is struggling, you just send them to me. Because I'm not "C" and they aren't either. We just have awkward boxes.

Out of the Hospital Update

I came home from the hospital yesterday. Luckily for me, my body is easy to torture, and I passed out the first night I was in the hospital. I had to stay until yesterday morning to talk with the doctor though. So I did and they sent me home. I needed some time to process everything I was told, and I could probably still use some time. However, for the sake of my friends that have been on pins and needles, here is my "new" diagnosis:

First of all, I am still diagnosed with Dysautonomia. You can see my explanation of all that here. I was in the hospital doing this study because doctors, family, and friends were all starting to believe that there was something else going on. Mainly, everyone was worried about seizures. So I went in for this study to try to find some answers. My answer is that I do have seizures.

There are two main types of seizures, from what I understand. There are epileptic seizures and non-epileptic seizures. After my passing out Tuesday night, my neurologist was able to confirm that my seizures are non-epileptic. I did not show any of the epilepsy brain abnormalities.

This means that my seizures are non-epileptic, specifically Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES). These manifest in much the same way as epileptic seizures- loss of consciousness, strange movements, etc. However, their causes are different. PNES is caused by psychological stress. Since all of this started in April 2012, I have said again and again that stress was not a cause because I was rarely stressed when they happened. I would be in church, in creative ministries practice, with my friends, in class (ok, that one might be stressful at times). But my point is that I was happy.

Ironically, that is exactly how PNES typically shows up. The way my doctor described is that my body would not let itself handles stress well during the actual stressful situation. It buried my stress deep inside, and that stress manifests when I am calm, when I am happy. In other words, I have something along the same lines as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Most likely, this is the result of my high school experience, which I briefly talk about here.

During the worst part of high school I passed out and landed on a very hard floor after bouncing off some furniture on the way down. I got a pretty bad concussion from that incident. That concussion kept me out of school the majority of my senior year second semester because I was so sick. I have dealt with the effects of that concussion since then. It is also playing into my PNES now, in the opinion of my neurologist.

These are the two main culprits behind my PNES now, but there may be more stress buried in my body that I don't even realize, according to my readings.

There really isn't any treatment for PNES because of how little doctors really know about it. However, 30-40% of people with seizures have the PNES type. I am actually participating in a study at UAB this summer, to try to help them learn more.

PNES is ideally dealt with by both a psychologist and a neurologist. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I might need psychological help again. I don't want to need that help. I feel like people are going to think I'm crazy, that I'm just making it up or overreacting or whatever else. But I'm not. My doctor made it a very clear point to make me understand that I am not crazy and there is still nothing I can do to prevent an episode from happening. Although it is non-epileptic, my body still takes over. From my perspective- it is the same as an epileptic seizure. I have completely lost control over my body when this happens.

So as I try to move forward and make sense of all this, please understand that I'm not just crazy. Please don't treat me like I am. I don't know whats going to happen. I was certainly not prepared to be diagnosed with a psychological problem when I checked into the seizure study. I'm still not used to the idea, but so many people were wondering what exactly happened.