I'm not happy...

I'm not happy. Not all the time at least. I've probably never been happy for any period much longer than a day, if that much. I cry more than any human should. 

I don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes life sucks. Bad things happen all the time.

We get sick.

We lose loved ones.

We lose jobs.

We're just way too stressed.

We mess up plans.

We don't measure up.

We're just plain sad. 

Who can be happy in that?

No one, if they're really being honest. It's a good thing God gives us joy to sustain us when happiness wanes. God gives us joy to carry on when there is no way to be happy. Happiness is too dependent on circumstances for us to be dependent on it.

When those bad things happen, people are tempted to get angry at God, to ask where He is. I know I am. But "in times like these, we find out whether we have based our faith on who God is or on what He does" (A Heart Like His by Beth Moore).

A faith built on the works of God that we view as good will bring temporary happiness. It is a faith built on human understanding and perspectives. It's volatile and fleeting.

A faith built on the faithful and good character of God will bring enduring joy. We don't have to understand what He does to know that it's good, to trust Him because He is who He says He is.

Isaiah 55:6-13 (ESV)

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call upon him while he is near;

let the wicked forsake his way,

and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,

and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

“For you shall go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

shall break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;

instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;

and it shall make a name for the Lord,

an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Psalm 4 (ESV)

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame?
How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? 

 But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself;
the Lord hears when I call to him.
Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. 

 Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the Lord.
There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

 

God is good; God is faithful. God gives us joy to sustain us because He knows us well enough to know that we won't always understand. And we won't always be happy. But we will be joyful if we put our faith in Him and not His works that we deem "good."

The "C" Word and the Gospel

Just to clarify, the "C" word I'm referring to is CRAZY! In case you couldn't tell from my last post, as soon as I got my new diagnosis, I thought of myself as crazy. I assumed that everyone around me would see me as crazy as well. However, my friends have encouraged me to take "crazy" out of my vocabulary, so from here on out, I'll just use "C."

Having this diagnosis of Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) has been a very difficult pill to swallow. I've cried a lot since the diagnosis, and I've wrestled with a lot of emotions and questions. I viewed myself as "C" and so I started questioning everything.

Does this mean I don't really love Jesus like I thought I did?
Does this mean my faith isn't real?
Does this make me a bad Christian?
Does this hurt my testimony?
Does this mean Christ isn't really sovereign in my life?
Does this mean I'm a failure?

I'm learning the answer is NO! (still learning...) Having PNES does NOT mean any of those things. It's difficult to deal with, but it is not as damaging as I first thought. It just brings back a lot of unpleasant memories and really messes with my mind.

I'm reading A Heart Like His by Beth Moore. It is about the life of David. In case you are unfamiliar with the story, David was a hunted man. Saul wanted to take his life because of jealousy and fear. My pastor at my home church has been leading us through the life of Joseph. Joseph was also a hunted man. No matter how awful my high school experience was, there were never any threats on my life (that I'm aware of. I guess you never really know). Anyway, the point is that, like David and Joseph, I made it out alive. I made it out in remarkably good condition, considering. And it's for a reason.

I'm probably not going to save the known world from starvation, and I'm probably not going to be royalty. But God does have a reason for bringing me through what He did. It's not the past I would have chosen, but it's what I have to work with.

This week at work, I'm packing up a lot of stuff. (My boss is going to be thrilled that I got such a life lesson out of this week's project!) Some of the boxes were really awkward sizes, but they were the only ones I have to work with. So I used them. And that's what I have to do with my past as well- use it. I can't use someone else's past just because I think it looks better or more helpful. I have to use mine because it has been given to me by God, and it's useful for His plan for me. I can't really connect to high schoolers who enjoy school (What is that even like?!?!?!) But if you know of one who is struggling, you just send them to me. Because I'm not "C" and they aren't either. We just have awkward boxes.

Out of the Hospital Update

I came home from the hospital yesterday. Luckily for me, my body is easy to torture, and I passed out the first night I was in the hospital. I had to stay until yesterday morning to talk with the doctor though. So I did and they sent me home. I needed some time to process everything I was told, and I could probably still use some time. However, for the sake of my friends that have been on pins and needles, here is my "new" diagnosis:

First of all, I am still diagnosed with Dysautonomia. You can see my explanation of all that here. I was in the hospital doing this study because doctors, family, and friends were all starting to believe that there was something else going on. Mainly, everyone was worried about seizures. So I went in for this study to try to find some answers. My answer is that I do have seizures.

There are two main types of seizures, from what I understand. There are epileptic seizures and non-epileptic seizures. After my passing out Tuesday night, my neurologist was able to confirm that my seizures are non-epileptic. I did not show any of the epilepsy brain abnormalities.

This means that my seizures are non-epileptic, specifically Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES). These manifest in much the same way as epileptic seizures- loss of consciousness, strange movements, etc. However, their causes are different. PNES is caused by psychological stress. Since all of this started in April 2012, I have said again and again that stress was not a cause because I was rarely stressed when they happened. I would be in church, in creative ministries practice, with my friends, in class (ok, that one might be stressful at times). But my point is that I was happy.

Ironically, that is exactly how PNES typically shows up. The way my doctor described is that my body would not let itself handles stress well during the actual stressful situation. It buried my stress deep inside, and that stress manifests when I am calm, when I am happy. In other words, I have something along the same lines as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Most likely, this is the result of my high school experience, which I briefly talk about here.

During the worst part of high school I passed out and landed on a very hard floor after bouncing off some furniture on the way down. I got a pretty bad concussion from that incident. That concussion kept me out of school the majority of my senior year second semester because I was so sick. I have dealt with the effects of that concussion since then. It is also playing into my PNES now, in the opinion of my neurologist.

These are the two main culprits behind my PNES now, but there may be more stress buried in my body that I don't even realize, according to my readings.

There really isn't any treatment for PNES because of how little doctors really know about it. However, 30-40% of people with seizures have the PNES type. I am actually participating in a study at UAB this summer, to try to help them learn more.

PNES is ideally dealt with by both a psychologist and a neurologist. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I might need psychological help again. I don't want to need that help. I feel like people are going to think I'm crazy, that I'm just making it up or overreacting or whatever else. But I'm not. My doctor made it a very clear point to make me understand that I am not crazy and there is still nothing I can do to prevent an episode from happening. Although it is non-epileptic, my body still takes over. From my perspective- it is the same as an epileptic seizure. I have completely lost control over my body when this happens.

So as I try to move forward and make sense of all this, please understand that I'm not just crazy. Please don't treat me like I am. I don't know whats going to happen. I was certainly not prepared to be diagnosed with a psychological problem when I checked into the seizure study. I'm still not used to the idea, but so many people were wondering what exactly happened.

In the EMU...Day 1

Contrary to my sister's first impression, I am not currently in an actual emu. I am in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit at UAB. My sister keeps asking me about the large bird though.

Today is day 1 of my seizure study. I was told to come and expect a 2-5 days stay. So here's what's happened so far-

• I have 23 electrodes glued to my head. Yes, glued. And they pulled me skin tight while they were gluing the electrodes on so I can't move my face either. If you know me at all, you know I hate having all this crap on my head and in my hair. 
• I am on a sleep deprivation plan. They will keep me awake until 4am, and then wake me again at 7am. Who volunteers to stay up and talk to me until 4am??? 
• They truly are planning to torture me into an episode with flashing lights and making me hyperventilate and such as that.
• I am being constantly watched. Constantly- there's a camera in my room. 
• I had to explain freckles to my doctor. "No, I wasn't born with them. No, they don't go away. No, they don't itch." Really? A doctor doesn't know what a freckle is? I am not feeling very confident.

I'm really quite bored. I'm just sitting here waiting to pass out. Mom's here with me, and my sister visited me today. 

So yeah, it's not terribly fun here, and I would really love to pass out pronto and GO HOME!!! Pray for that pretty please!!!!!

Well Hello Again

I haven't blogged in a couple months, and consequently, my insides are about to explode from all I have to share!

Medically: 
     My doctors are starting to believe that either a) I don't actually have dysautonomia or b) I have something in addition to it. In my opinion, it's option b because I do have a lot of symptoms of dysautonomia. However, more and more people (doctors, friends, family, nursing student friends) are starting to suspect some type of seizure activity. I have been tested for seizure activity before, and it was negative. But, fun fact, sometimes tests like that will come back negative if you are not having a seizure during the actual test. And since I can't walk around with all the contraptions hooked up to me on a daily basis, I have to stay in the hospital and pray I have an episode.
     I've known that this was the plan since February, but I just scheduled my appointment yesterday. I go into the hospital on Tuesday, May 27th to stay 2-5 days. The sooner I pass out, the sooner I get to leave is what they tell me. I don't really know everything they will do to me during this time, but here's what I do know:

• I'll be hooked up to several machines the entire time, and that doesn't exactly seem cozy. 
• They will try to make me feel as bad as possible to try to provoke an episode.
• I'm not guaranteed anything. I could go spend my 5 days there and have nothing to show for it. 

     To say that I am not looking forward to this is an understatement. I cried off 3 rounds of mascara yesterday after scheduling my appointment. As some of you know, I went to Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida last summer as a last ditch effort to get answers. They also told me to expect a stay. I walked in, they looked at me, and told me that there was nothing they could do for me. I barely made it out the door before the tears began. And now, all I can think about is that. I do not have high hopes for this appointment, yet I see no choice.

Emotionally:
     As you can probably tell, I'm not doing so well. I've cried a lot the past two days, and I'm crying now. I need my friends and family; I need encouragement.

Spiritually:
     I just started a new Beth Moore book, and I'm LOVING it. More to come on that later, but for now I'll just say that Jesus is really cool. He has changed me and my attitudes about some stuff recently and it's so good! That's what happens when you stop asking Him to change other people and start praying about your own heart.

In It to END IT

Today, February 27, is END IT day. There are estimate of 27 million slaves in the world today, if not more.

And we won't stand for it any longer. 

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

Micah 6:8 (ESV)

My dear, sweet friend, Angie, wrote more about today because she can explain it much better than I can:

"Did you know that there are an estimated 27 million slaves in the world today? That is more than any other time in history combined. On February 27th, 2014 it is Shine a Light on Slavery Day. Join us and other freedom fighters from around the world as we shine a light on slavery- draw a red X on your hand to raise awareness, and tell the world that you are in it to END IT.

My name is Angie Lewis, and I am publicity coordinator for Troy International Justice Mission. I am a freshman at Troy University social work major with a minor in criminal justice. I am from Troy, Alabama originally.

The International Justice Mission is one of 10 coalition partners of END IT. All 10 nonprofit organizations are working towards the same cause- to end modern day slavery

"IJM is a human rights agency that brings rescue to victims of slavery, sexual exploitation, and other forms of violent oppression. IJM lawyers, investigators, and aftercare professionals work with local officials to secure immediate victim rescue and aftercare, to prosecute perpetrators and to ensure that the public justice systems- police, courts, and laws- effectively protect the poor" (IJM.org).

I wanted to get involved with Troy IJM because so many people go every day of their lives without a voice. They never find justice. IJM gives a voice to those who don't have one. IJM fights for the right every human being has- to be free. I have learned that to see any change in the world, you have to be the one to campaign for it. So stand with me on February 27th to shine a light on slavery. Give the voiceless a voice and join the fight for freedom. Draw a red X on your hand and show the world you will not stand for slavery.

For more information on end it visit enditmovement.com. For more information on the International Justice Mission visit ijm.org."

A Godly Kind of LOVE

Happy Valentine's Day!

I want to share some thoughts about a common verse that just happens to relate to the topic of the day- LOVE!

Proverbs 4:23

Keep your heart with all vigilance,

for from it flow the springs of life.

Taken by itself, it seems to mean that you are supposed to keep everything from hurting your heart and never experience pain. It seems to be a key to living a life without heartbreak- never let anything in, never be vulnerable and you will be able to keep your heart intact. But what happens when you are so consumed with "guarding you heart" in this way? Something that I would argue is contrary to God's nature- a lack of love.

But taken with the verses around it, it looks a little different:

Proverbs 4:20-27

20 My son, be attentive to my words;

incline your ear to my sayings.

21 Let them not escape from your sight;

keep them within your heart.

22For they are life to those who find them,

and healing to all their flesh.

23Keep your heart with all vigilance,

for from it flow the springs of life.

24Put away from you crooked speech,

and put devious talk far from you.

25 Let your eyes look directly forward,

and your gaze be straight before you.

26 Ponder the path of your feet;

then all your ways will be sure.

27 Do not swerve to the right or to the left;

turn your foot away from evil.

Now, it looks more like a prescription for wise behavior. The surrounding verses make this popular verse less into a safeguard. All through the Bible, love is a central theme. I have heard people refer to the Bible as God's love letter to us. So why do we avoid loving people like we should? We are to love with the love of God!!!

1 John 4:7-12

7Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

Ephesians 5:1-2

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

1 Peter 4:8

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

This love is not safe! Loving people can and will break your heart! You will hurt when they hurt, you will ache when you are not able to help them. You will miss them when you're apart. This is the love that sent Jesus to the cross! I have watched two special friends love and hurt through their adoption journey. They love their son more than they can explain. And they hurt when they can't hold him; they hurt when he hurts. But I know that if you ask either of them, they will tell you that they would prefer to sometimes hurt because they love their son so much over not letting him into their lives, their hearts.

So, if this verse isn't a warning against Godly, crazy, out-of-this-world, sacrificial LOVE, then what is it? The heart, on its own, is evil. It isn't inclined toward God in the slightest. It will fail you again and again. Our hearts must be taught to follow Christ, to seek God's face! If we do not protect our hearts against ungodly things, then they will lead us to sin, they will lead us away from God. 

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

2 Chronicles 12:14 (referring to an Egyptian king)

And he did evil, for he did not set his heart to seek the Lord.

This Valentine's Day, set out to love. Love lavishly, love with abandon. Do not "guard your heart" in the way of this world. Love with an extravagant, Godly LOVE! And train your heart to seek after God so that it will not lead you astray. 

Happy Valentine's Day!